"Sadie, I have something to tell you..." {The Unmerciful Debtor}

Welp. 

Turns out that-- for me-- fasting creates a hunger for others' words of instruction. 

Their words then settle and stir so deep that there's simply no way I'm going to chance them resurfacing too abruptly, purposelessly caught up in my own excessive expulsion of misspent wordiness (read: word vomit). 

So I get quieter with a fast, where I expected to show up will all sorts of insightful things to say. 

Now we know.

I mean, don't get me wrong-- plenty of the most gracious people I know have gladly heard my cries and explanations and convictions and drawn out analyses. There have been words.

Encouragement literally means the granting of courage-- borrowed bravery to speak honestly about deepest doubts and questions and beliefs and hopes. If one of friendship's main aims is encouragement, then it's greatest triumph is sticking through what granted courage prompts. 

One of my greatest insecurities is how wordy my responses become to the generous prompting of friends and family who care to listen as I struggle for a conclusion-- or to get okay with the absence of one. 

I'm not proud of it.

After all, 

"Do not be quick with you mouth,

do not be hasty in your heart 

to utter anything before God.

God is in heaven,

and you are on earth,

so let your words be few.

A dream comes when there are many cares,

many words mark the speech of a fool." 

{Ecclesiastes 5:2-3}

But I learn so much from the listening ears and the wrestled words. It's a cool check on pride that what I'm learning just wouldn't be possible without the outrageous patience of the people surrounding me. 

My default posture in life is bracing. Anticipating what argument could be made against what I'm about to say or do. Imagining the worst that could happen and making a preemptive game plan. 

Bracing: to prepare yourself mentally or emotionally for hearing something unpleasant, out of place or inappropriate.

But while I'm bracing and talking it out with my generous community and confessing this loophole of faith, they're always coming through with the courage.

Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear or difficulty.


You brace for wrath. For righteous anger. For bitterness. For punishment. 

... never crosses my mind to brace for courage. 

Encouragement. It is the ultimate challenge and the ultimate kindness. It causes us to stand up to what's important and stand down with the background noise -- bracing could never do this. 

Christ made it clear with his life (what with the feet washing and sick-healing and line-drawing in the sand) and God with his Word that ultimately kindness leads to repentance.

"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

 ² Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth.

 ³ So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them 

and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?

 ⁴ Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?" 
{Romans 2:1-4}

Oh, yes, yes, yes, accountability and expel the immoral brother and all that but really do I get it? 

Do I get that other people may behave differently or "worse" but that my heart-- the deep down, end of the day, who {what} did you really choose to serve today heart-- is in such similar, desperate need of God? 

Do I get that when it comes down to it my life apart from daily recognition of Him will be marked by self-righteousness, anger, bitterness, overwhelming pain? That "long lay the world in sin and error pining" and that's not just a eloquent description of the state of the world a few thousand years ago for a catchy Christmas hymn. Pining-- it's a tension that continues to mark this world. Sin and error are relentless and all around me and all in me.

Do I get that only in His appearing, not just centuries ago but in the reality of my daily life will this soul or any around it feel its worth?

Do I get that I cannot just boil hearts down into a correct moral code of conduct?
I have to get that. 

Because kindness leads to repentance. Encouragement changes hearts. 

Shame, guilt, righteousness, anger never will.

God's kindness mobilizes us to love from deeply repentant, deeply kindled hearts. 
The significance of the shared root word nearly escaped me. But it's there. 
Our repentance is met with the ultimate kindness that is grace, giving us courage to face our days -- God's kindness engulfs us and kindles our lives in His tradition. 

They're inescapable, the seemingly harsh aspects of God's character: justice, wrath, anger, righteousness-- and He does not compromise them to extend us grace. I know there is danger in missing the reality of a just God, for then I miss what I am truly saved from. 

But my job isn't to convict others of the wrath of God. Sure, His justice, wrath, anger, righteousness still stand. But my own sense of those things-- justice, wrath, anger, righteousness-- for my own sake (or even well-intended but poorly executed for His sake) is to take it's rightful place on a cross daily.

"Then he said to them all: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet forfeit their very self?'" 

{Luke 9:23-25}

I can only experience kindness to the depth I stay willing to vulnerably admit my need for it.

I can only give kindness to the depth that I've received it. 

That requires acknowledging what I rightfully deserved (and tend to spend life bracing for) and what I got instead. 

For Christ followers, it's time to act like the unworthy recipients of inappropriate kindness we are.

The Parable of the Two Debtors 
{Luke 7: 36-50}

^"36 When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table.

 ³⁷ A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume.

 ³⁸ As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

³⁹ When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”

⁴⁰ Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”

“Tell me, teacher,” he said.

⁴¹ “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. ⁴² Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”

⁴³ Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”

“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.

⁴⁴ Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.  ⁴⁵ You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. ⁴⁶ You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.

 ⁴⁷ Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

⁴⁸ Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

⁴⁹ The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”

⁵⁰ Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

Sadie, I have something to tell you. 
I know who is touching me and what kind of woman she is. 
Go in peace.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant
{Matthew 18:21-35} 

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. ²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.  ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Sadie, I have something to tell you. 
I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 
Shouldn't you have mercy?

Well, these words have gotten to me. What to do with it all?

We (those gracious friends and I) whisper long regarding possible answers to that question and wrestle over the implications of these types of passages in the corners of cafes and Senor Tequila. Yes, many a word has been shared.

But self-assured, conclusion-y words are few because they won't do Him justice. 
And even if they could, he doesn't want me doing him justice in word, anyway.  

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

{1 John 3:18}

The silencing truth is this: God builds courage in us,  for Him. To do something. Love does. 

Which leads to the question: what am I doing?

All of this is leading to a so very unknown future and that's okay. But bracing won't cut it. Only courage will. 

Please excuse the implied vanity of this next move, and allow me to quote myself from a recent text conversation with a dear friend:

"When I told Mom yesterday that I'd rather serve the hungry than do a normal thing like teaching she straight up asked how I dare tell God where I can and cannot, will and will not be of use.

#daaaaaaang

Some days anticipation fills me with such joy and others it feels like it's killing me. All I know is praise God for Mommas." 

{praise Him for her, indeed!}