Buying In

Is it cliche to have a personally revealing blog post regarding love on Valentine's Day?

If so, I'm buying in.

"Oh, Sadie's just going to marry Jesus."

I don't really remember the context, but I'm sure it was one of those times when a harmless comment is made and I analyze it on a much deeper level than it was intended. On many occasions, my interpreting a passing phrase much more seriously than it is delivered leads to my feelings getting hurt and my not expressing that well.

But this time I wasn't offended. a.) because I know it was said in jest and b.) because I've said as much in not-so-blatant terms myself.

I know it sounds crazy.

But as a member of the Church, I am the bride of Christ. And I will remain so whether or not I actually traverse an aisle in my day.

I've also said that when the time comes, I would swallow my pride and admit to the desire to have a significant other. So I will say, that day has come. But as I go through this Journeyman application process, I am surprisingly grateful that there is not one more significant relationship in my life that I might have to prepare to leave-- if just temporarily. Singleness is just a part of my immediate future and I am not only okay with that, I am so excited for the time to really acquaint myself with my passion and the Heart I am seeking so desperately to cultivate in myself.

I do read though. And I know. I've seen for myself what marriage can be-- the support it brings. When I read Ann Voskamp's book and she talks about her husband encouraging her along in a silly little thankfulness project, I have to admit it would be nice.

I read the blogs of women whose husbands died at young ages, who talk about what they miss on the other side of being single.

I watch as broken, ugly divorce situations are redeemed in the exchanging of new vows.

I got to witness my parents honestly communicate with each other regarding the major uproot from 4 Beeson Ct. in 2010.

I've seen good marriages and I have to say, I want it. But I'm not looking for a relationship for the sake of experience or at least some sort of sliver of a record so that "21 and never dated" doesn't define me. It just doesn't.

I'm looking for a Chris Smith, a Luke Smith, a Gregg Paddie, a Matt Davis, a Todd Smith, a David Dockery, a John Gerlach, a Terry Carter, a Ken Marble, a Laurence Townsend, a Jared Windham, a Shaun Groves, a Jason Yates.

(I am not into polygamy, for the record).

(edited to add that the above list is, of course, not exclusive. I owe my absolute certainty in the existence of Godly men to many more than are listed here.)

The point is that a man doesn't have to be Jesus for me to see in him Christlike qualities. I know men like those listed above do exist, and I am increasingly aware that they are a rare breed. But it is the caliber I'm aiming for--not because I am so extraordinary or deserving, but because I feel like God deserves no less than me "yoking myself" (the quotation marks are to denote sarcastic delivery and that I don't actually know the full meaning of the term-- it just gets used in Christian circles all the time and I'd like to sound more Christian-y than I did at the beginning of this post when I suggested I'm looking to marry Jesus) to someone who both challenges me and edifies me spiritually-- that our relationship would be first and foremost devoted to Christ.

That kind of man doesn't just show up on the doorstep.

Luckily, a package with fun candies from Mom and Dad does. Well, okay, it shows up in the mailroom and I walk 1/2 a mile to pick it up. Either way, I'm thoroughly enjoying a ring pop as I type this post, so you know.

And in the meantime, some things remain true: there is no relationship more simultaneously challenging and edifying than the one Christ offers to the people He sacrificed himself for, in order to restore this love-hungry world. That relationship will always be worth pursuing first, no matter how high-of-a-caliber man I end up meeting and falling in love with.

Also, there are lovely people in my life worth celebrating during this holiday.

So today I wrote a few cards, took 'em to the mailroom and then proceeded to plop myself down on the couch to enjoy my big '0 heart-shaped lollipop while watching last weeks' Law and Order: SVU.

Could my life use a little more romance?

Probably.

But if I die-- be it in my twenties or in my eighties-- before I get the chance to marry, I know for sure I have a glorious wedding to look forward to. And that makes pigging out while Christopher Meloni solves crime so much sweeter.

Related side note: I've been reading up on my Jesus Storybook Bible and the other day was the story of Rachel and the less beautiful Leah. The way Sally Lloyd-Jones discusses Leah is particularly meaningful to me in this season--

"Now when Leah knew that God loved her, in her heart, suddenly it didn't matter anymore whether her husband loved her best, or if she was the prettiest. Someone had chosen her, someone did love her-- with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever love...

One of Leah's children' children's children would be a prince-- the Prince of Heaven-- God's Son. This Prince would love God's people. They wouldn't need to be beautiful for him to love them. He would love them with all of his heart. And they would be beautiful because he loved them. Like Leah."

I know I am a Leah in the looks department. Not necessarily a bombshell, if you know what I'm saying.

But so many people raised me up to have confidence in my beauty. The purpose of all those moments of "you're so pretty" or "you are so beautiful" was not to inflate my ego or have me seeing a supermodel in the mirror. The comments were meant to encourage me along the path of believing myself lovely because God loved me first.

She was beautiful because He loved her.

I can live with that.

Oh yes, I can live with Him...

"If there’s a man with a vision to recognize beauty in places and faces the rest have passed by If there’s a man who can meet with the queen and stay warm with a beggar the very same night a man who would pour himself out for a stranger for years for no kind of pay let me know his name I wanna know that man I wanna know that man I wanna know that man If there’s a man without a wallet or looks to explain why these masses of people wanna follow him around if there is something compelling if he’s saying something they know they’ve gotta know more about a man who could love like a mother and die for a world instead of saving himself I wanna know his name I wanna know that man I wanna know that man I wanna know that man Oh I’d be a fool to go on acting like it’s unimportant it might take a little more faith to imagine him away to walk the other way…….Oh Oh If he came if he lived if he came if he lived If he died if he lived If he is, if he is If there’s a God who would enter humanity to capture the love of a rebel like me I want to know his name."

--Christa Wells, "I Want to Know That Man"