The Old College Try

When I get out of the swing of writing, it gets harder by the day to know how to come back.

(hence, the two months)

But.

I'm willing to give it the old college try.

(the writing is undeniably less subtle following a break, too. I do apologize.)

Funny how when you look endlessly for something deep and important, or else at least really comical and charming to prompt the typing, it ends up being an episode of the Bachelorette. And so no matter how fluid the words come, or how clearly the thoughts get conveyed, both you and I know that they were inspired by the Bachelorette, setting a ceiling, really, on how profound or charming the following can really be.

What can I say, Ben F. the Winemaker from Napa really made an impression.

In truth, the difficulty hasn't been finding the words as a "writer" to convey a message as so much not really having a message to convey. Maybe that doesn't make much sense. If not, it's probably because Emily won't quit keeping me up late. (Watching the Bachelorette, no less).

Sure there have been plenty of things to write on. My parents moved and I really enjoyed getting to help instead of having to work my tail off on the weekends to make money. Cousins came and went and we got to catch up in a way thats been lacking since we stopped trying to make extended family holiday plans. I got sick and became the recipient of so much care and good friendship. Fourth of July happened and you *know* Sadie always has something to say about America. There are an endless amount of nannying anecdotes to share. Mom made us listen to this terrible Danielle Steel novel on tape the entire way to Destin, which could lead to a fantastic post regarding what in the world I did to deserve that. Realizing all over again that I am but one in a long line of beneficiaries of my parents kindness and faith was a humbling moment worth sharing.

But beneath all of these subjects was a mind of scattered thoughts and a heart of heavy burdens.

No one particular situation making that so. Part of what makes the burden so difficult to identify and write on is that the burden isn't situational in nature at all-- it's just there. I've had an excellent summer by many accounts and I am so, so grateful for the opportunity to even have time to ponder life and purpose the way I have in the past months. I know even that is a luxury. A heavy heart can still be so deeply thankful.

It's just hard to get on here and gush over all the things that I am downright thankful for when it's all I can do to call out for insight and cry for understanding, wondering every day where in the world this [i'm scanning my body with my eyes and a hand gesture, when really I mean to indicate my entire set of experiences laying below the surface] is headed.

That question is directed towards the Lord both figuratively and literally. Where in the world?

Everything inside of me believes, trusts that I'm going somewhere--the place where my passion is best expressed and my heart is best molded and my life is most meaningful and my hands are most helpful. But when? And how? And does it really not rely solely upon me, because 3 months post-grad and with no insurance and with a seeking heart that waits for the Lord before heading into the metaphorical "battle" a la Joshua, it sure feels a lot like self-reliance is the solution. At least then, with the self relying, I could pay the bills comfortably and plan it all out and I could've just gritted my teeth through penning highly perfect answers on an application that asks me to look my most Christian.

But none of those answers sound adequate, much less perfect, when they come from a place of self-reliance because as my soul longs, crouches lower in a desperate attempt to look my most Christlike, I become increasingly aware of how inadequate and imperfect "self" truly is.

Sadie, you sound too self-deprecating. I've tried and tried but I can't make taking up one's own cross in favor of life with Christ sound more self-appreciating.

All around me there are people and things and a general season that each tell me it's okay to enjoy myself while I push forward towards adult life. But all inside of me there are thoughts and burdens and a general desire that beg me to enjoy the Lord, to share in his suffering as He guides me through adulthood.

I get that there are logistical concerns and I feel less accomplished by every passing day that I don't have a plan to forever meet my own logistical needs. All my life I've heard and sung about the God Who Is Able to meet all needs. I've never hummed along to a worship song that says, "I'll get myself squared away and then you can feel free to tweak it, God." I mean, that is sometimes the heart from which I sing along diligently, but the words never say that outright.

So me and my old sunday school friend Josie sit in the surf and wonder, was it all a trite, godly sounding sentiment, the whole wait-for-direction-and-God-will-provide thing? Because living it out seems downright irresponsible, sometimes lonely and way less desirable than the catchy songs let on.

{Josie and me on the beach, in case you needed a visual}

Nearing graduation, you can gather that you'll miss the people, the environment. You can piece together an idea of what you wish to look like at the reunion that no one is actually planning to attend. You get the notion of job-finding and income-gathering. You prepare a resume and imagine doing life outside of the school routine for the first time in approximately 18 years.

No one can really prepare you for it, though. That sounds dramatic and I really don't intend for it to. All I'm saying is that there is no easy way to go from one phase to the next. It may only take 48 hours to go from graduation in Virginia to "grown up" in Arkansas, but the transition is much less cut and dry.

Kind of like how the day you turn 13 you're a teenager, and while you only really feel one day older, the paradigm by which others see you dramatically shifted in that one day.

The paradigm has shifted. I am no longer a college student. Academic pursuits should subside, the soul should be done searching, moments belong to memory, and memories to nostalgia. That time is past.

No one prepares you for how it lingers still in the present. I may no longer be a college student, but I was one. All I learned, felt, struggled with, resolved, it carries over and there is still a burning desire to do something with it. Not so much with the diploma as with the experience.

I hadn't a clue what I was doing in September 2006 when I googled colleges so I could say I'd researched them. 11 months later I strolled in disbelief along the red brick sidewalk of the University of Mary Washington, sure only of God's providence. Sure that if I stood there 4 years later, it would only be by profound grace. I knew nothing else, no one else. With that information I set off to sing the alma mater and pledge my honor in Dodd Auditorium, ready to give it the old college try.

4 years later I stand similarly clueless, sure only of the providence and the grace. Amazingly affected and burdened by what I learned from and about the world that God loves. Christ applies to, cares about every issue, every person I encountered, and I am desperate to learn those ways, learn the caring.

I stand a college graduate that still yearns to give life, give God the old college try, desperate to know in which direction to concentrate my efforts.

After rejecting him, Bachelorette Ashley pleads with Angry Ben F. the Winemaker from Napa not to let it end this way. He responds, "good things don't end unless they end badly."

I know you're blown away by the new philosophical direction of reality television.

I see where he's coming from. But sometimes good things do just end. They end well. They end with lots of friends surrounding each other with lots of love and teachers extending best wishes and material reflective of the effort put into it, and brick sidewalks trekked one last time. The end isn't bad, it can just be hard, especially when trying to figure out how any of it will transfer to the new beginning.

It caught me off guard, how difficult it would be to transfer the God-reliance. Guess it shouldn't have, per the example of every single story of the Old Testament that each land somewhere in the cycle of apostasy.

Nothing says adulthood like puppet videos and Bachelorette insights, right?

What can I say? I'm a college graduate.