Unquenchable {Why}

March 2007 was pivotal.

Would I dare venture off? Away from a really good thing? Good family, good friends, good church, good potential school nearby, good car, good familiarity, good reputation, good, solidly fought-for self-assurance?

I would, I did, and I can even tell you why (I know, I've done that and then did it again and then probably some more times).

But I keep trying to come up with words for this that stirs in me now. What now God and why all this blessing and where ya goin? The questions of August 2012 mirror those of March 2007, bringing with them a familiarity at once comforting and frustrating.

The truth is that it's not my matter to worry over where I'm going or how abundantly I'm equipped or what I'll be doing when I get there. It's about knowing Why I choose-- why I get-- to journey at all.

I drove thousands of miles north in the July heat of 2012 to see the faces and hear the laughs and trace the steps. John and I strolled the abandoned campus as I alternated between giddiness and reverence. I had no idea what I was signing up for that March in 2007. It's easy to forget the fear of saying yes to whatever-- the fear of abandon-- when I now know what whatever entailed-- the faces and the spaces and the providence.

But Sadie, why'd you do it? Why'd you come here? 

God asks a question he knows the answer to the way he does again and again because he knows my answer shapes my steps.  

It's crucial to revisit because Why then is Why now.

Every day a choice to journey. Not my will...
Every day a deeper acquaintance with Why the journey. but Yours be done.

And on the night when the stirring swells to brewing and I'm undone by the sight of a working young man with uniform sleeves rolled sloppily, with quickened pace in the pouring rain, with fists grasping his strapped-tight backpack, dodging the harsh spray of puddles disturbed by speeding-past cars

when the realization hits harshly that the man neither needs the pity I nod his direction nor my self-focused gratitude,

when I'm questioning why I get a highlander from parents concerned that I not get the "shaft" of the family vehicles and he gets a walk home covered in puddles' afterthoughts,

when I park said car in the driveway and lay back in my seat and let the rain pound the sunroof because Isaac feels frustratingly and comfortingly akin to the storm brewing in my heart to serve people and live contentedly and give selflessly of time and resources and spend days devotedly to the gospel and it's Giver

on this night, doubt and rain pounding, I open the box perched on the wardrobe closet and sift through the pieces of this life I am so privileged to live, grateful and yearning. Reminding myself Why I stay open to whatever next, Why I seek wisdom and discernment when it all the time requires less of me and more awareness of the brokenness all around that Jesus came to heal-- all the time more responsibility to use his words and make his moves and share his heart, his suffering.

And there is joy, always the joy, because Why joins me on the dramatic, hurricane-kinship nights-- when doubt's gotten dangerously swept up in the midst of Godly things brewing-- and He boils it down.

Pieces of life lay scattered on the floor as He who's faithful to piece it together leads me to the inscription Luke penned one night that pivotal March-- a scribbled introduction to "The Unquenchable Worshipper."

That brother of mine, 30 this month, gifted so differently than me, who's long been helping me learn Why to choose abandonment, Why to believe more of God than seems reasonable, Why to refuse satisfied--

because it's the unquenchable worshipper who testifies to a steady, infinite supply of living water.

Testify he did to the little sister that dared choose God over good and didn't even know what that would mean except for probably some tears and broken pride.

This is Why: 

"Oh Lord, open my eyes to see you.

Open my heart so that I may experience you in a real way. A way that changes my life. In a way that brings me to my knees.

Throw me to my face in your presence.

Oh, God, that I may look upon you in worship would be the cry of my heart.

To experience you in a way that would change the lives around me is my life's goal. For you are an awesome God. Full of wonder and grace. Full of mercy and forgiveness. Take my worship and let it be a sweet song. Let my song be in you.

Knowing you is my goal.

Lord I look to you for strength. I humbly bow down on my face and ask that you allow me into your court and be allowed to use my gifts for your glory. Oh Father, hear my cry for you.

I am calling out to you, I want to meet with you in my life and worship. I don't want my sin to be in my way. Father, forgive me of my iniquities so that my heart may be pure as snow before you.

Oh Lord, King of Kings, show me but a portion of you, that I may count myself changed."

{29 March 2007}