Showing posts with label heart and soul. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart and soul. Show all posts

Monday, November 7, 2011

Awake My Soul

{excerpts from Shaun Groves', "Awake My Soul"}

Cathedral

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Arches of reaching limbs

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Crickets sing secret hymns

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Over all of us.

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Awake my soul to live this moment

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Awake my soul, give thanks and hold it

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Dear now

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God is here now

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Awake my soul.

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Hush away the hurry

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Put to rest the worry

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Come to quell and quiet me

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In this moment given

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Slow and fully live it

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Drink up all the passing peace.

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Awake my soul to live this moment

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Awake my soul,

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give thanks and hold it

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Dear now

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Be here now

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Awake my soul.

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"Stand in awe,
and sin not...
and be still.
Selah."
-Psalm 4:4

There isn't much "still" about spending a weekend with boisterous boys.
There is, however, a lot of "awake."

This leads me to believe that being still-- this command long revered and chased after by Christians and non-Christians alike-- wasn't ever meant as the end.

It's become that. If I could just get still for a moment, I'd be content. Be still, everyone, and happiness will rush over you. I get to thinking that that's the promise and, honestly, feel a little let down each time I do sit still and feel at best only a little anxiety.

I mean, I'm a happy person with a lot of life all around me and in me. I wouldn't even rank anxiety, fear up there on my list of struggles. But slow all that life down and there I am with past and future bustin' all up into the present with its "what ifs" and "you should haves" and I'm supposed to just sit there? And be happy about it?

I mean, I guess I'll do it because I'm supposed to and since disappointment of others is a ranking struggle, but surely He sees the charade, right? And if He does see through the happy to the deep down anxiety then how in the world is He satisfied by my effort to sit because I'm supposed to? And if He is satisfied with me fulfilling that requirement so check-list-ily even as my stillness is bombarded from both directions by the timeline that is my flying-by life-- if He is satisfied with a charade--then is this really a God I want to get still and knowin' about?

Also, what if your weekend, your month, your life just doesn't have room for still because you're responsible for stirring children?

For a booming business?

For stewardship of resources?

For cash flow?

For teaching new minds?

It's like we spend time trying to find a loophole to get out of the supposed "still" requirement and once we've convinced ourselves we've found the perfect excuse we start wondering what's so awesome about a God who allows such loopholes.

It's a letdown when you feel like you don't have the time to be the good Christian that sits still and ponders the supposedly awesome God* you believe in. It's an even scarier letdown when you do find the time to be still and feel far from the peace and happiness that should, supposedly, result from obedience to this long revered and chased after command.

*I say "supposedly" awesome God not because I don't believe He is awesome but because supposedly means "presumed to be true, but without proof" and sometimes our own hurried lives are all we have to go on in terms of "proof." Though we presume, believe He is worthy of awe, the hurry robs us of personal evidence.

Oh but I should, so I'll hurry to be still. As if it is the end to be achieved.

Robbing myself, really, of the real end.

Which is life.

Not the kind on either side of the present saying "should have" and "what if." Not the timeline.

Life.

Psalm 46 is a chaotic chapter of the Bible. He doesn't say "be still and get happy." The psalmist gives account of all the turmoil happening and ends it not with a promise of happiness but a near chastisement-- God saying "I've got this." I and not you.

A means to understanding this is to sit back and watch as I take care of what you'll entrust back to me. Remove yourself from the action and take moments to trust. Persevere in trust long enough to find me faithful in the action.

With so much emphasis on being still and the assumed, empty promise of happiness, I begin to miss the better, way more fulfilling side of the equation. The faithfulness in all of the action.

By all means, be still. He wouldn't have commanded it if it wasn't wise council. I do believe it is a mark of strengthened character to be able to sit and wrestle thoughts-- a strength I often can't muster up for myself.

It's not about mustering. It's about awakening.

I'm missing the faithfulness in action. There's going to be little comfort in knowing He's God while I'm still if I don't know him as God while I'm living the activity.

When I watch these boys wrestle on the green and skip rocks on the water I notice they certainly aren't still, but they also aren't hurried-- they're energized.

Hurried grasps for time, operates from weaning strength.
Energized takes advantage of time, operates from momentum.

Hurried is groggy.
Energized is awake.

Hurried lives a timeline.
Energized lives a life.

As creator of my every moment, God brings to each moment a strength I could not muster on my own. In sustaining each moment, he shows himself faithful. Gratitude for that faithfulness has the power to propel me-- it gains momentum, sustains me. Keeps me awake.

I'll continue to acknowledge God in the unsure, oft-bombarded moments of stillness.
But I want even more to awaken to the ways He acknowledges me in moments lived.

That I wouldn't be sitting anxiously before a supposedly awesome God.
That I would instead be struck standing, in awe at daily proof-providing moments of faithfulness.

Give thanks and hold it dear now, God is here now. Awake my soul.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Teachers

I've wanted to write this post for a while, I just haven't known what to say.

That, and I felt like I should have a plate of cookies and a dozen apples ready to take to a school before I get on here talking about teacher appreciation.

Except for that supposed obligation is exactly what's been plaguing me recently-- teacher appreciation isn't a parental potluck once (twice?) a year. It's not even best displayed by that really diligent mom that manages to get a schedule together to provide treats once a week out of true, honest appreciation for the work of teachers.

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Teacher appreciation goes way deeper than that because, thankful as they are, parents only know so much of what goes down in the classrooms and corridors. Real, knowing gratitude-- or at least the potential for it-- lies in the students.

Sad, then, that the deeper the potential for gratitude, the subtler-- scarcer, even-- the expression becomes.

It only takes a moment, a little courage, perhaps a slight twinge of relatively fleeting awkwardness to say thank you in person. In a note. With a gesture. Something.

I mean, I know teachers aren't out there crying because the kid that listed "babysitting" as her favorite activity on the homecoming court questionnaire-- the one who reads political memoirs and wouldn't quit talking about last nights' Grey's Anatomy or 24, the one with the loud laugh who likes to answer questions and turn things in on time-- hasn't expressed her thanks. It's not like the college professors need a comparatively average student to affirm their skills so they can feel they've truly achieved something in their careers (after all, they're doing me the favor of an "a" when average technically merits "c") . There are awards and fancy dinners for that.

Right?

Besides, it's just sucking up to do anything more than shuffle on out the door, with maybe a nod or a "have a good weekend" thrown in once in a while for good measure. And plus, you'll never be the cool kid that makes it look natural to throw an arm around the teachers neck and share a joke, so why even try the whole likable/gracious/professional-but-familiar/student/teacher relationship thing? Especially if the only real reason you have to put forth the effort to create such a relationship is so that you can maybe utter the thanks that's been on the tip of your tongue without it being completely and totally weird for the both of you.

I don't know, maybe I'm the only one. It wouldn't surprise me. I've found I'm also pretty alone in the "would enjoy going back to high school" club. (It's not so lonely in the college category).

The main reason I would gladly return to both eras of education? The teachers.

It's not really that I'm itching to get back to essays and cramming. I'm not crazy nostalgic or disliking my current season of life to the point of wishing back the bad hair and teen drama. I'm just saying I wish I'd let more of the teachers know that they made the experience for me.

Other enjoyable aspects were certainly there and had the teachers been terrible, there would still be much fondness felt for my school days. Great teachers are just the icing on the cake.

I had great teachers.

Here's how I know: I still think about them.

(See, teacher appreciation apart from the cookies and potlucks borders on creepy-- I'm almost to the point of regretting starting this post-- too far in to turn back, folks!)

Leave it to Albert Einstein to say it less creepily: "The real difficulty, the difficulty which has baffled the sages of all times, is rather this: how can we make our teaching so potent in the motional life of man, that its influence should withstand the pressure of the elemental psychic forces in the individual?"

Good teachers keep you thinking. I really only think about the teachers who taught me things worth remembering. The great teachers taught me the stuff that became the funnel through which new information gets processed to memory. They taught me the stuff that continues to affect the decisions I make.

This isn't just a good sounding sentiment. It really happens.

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Just today Big D texted me up about this program on freedom songs during the Civil Rights Movement and I thought back to the day I admitted my love of the genre to Dr. O'Donnell. He told me to pursue our subject (the Freedom Rides) through the avenue that interested me best, but to find a way to pursue it. A couple of months later, when I freelanced it to Jackson for an extrapost curricular function with Charlie and Lindsay, his e-mail surprised me. Entitled simply, "I hope..." it read:

"... others are getting as much from your adventure as I am (and that the three of you are getting as much as you are giving those of us following from home).

Exquisite writing by all 3 of you (glad to have Sadie's voice in the conversation too). Powerful. Compelling. Crisp.

Enjoy the next couple of days.

Can't imagine a more thrilling or awesome experience.

I can't wait till the next installment."

It was there before January, but Dr. O'Donnell cemented in me a forever love of the CRM because he made it more than okay to be passionate about it-- he expected it. Can't wait... Great teachers anticipate your work, however comparatively elementary it may be. He also brought donuts, so that didn't hurt.

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I texted Deirdre back and moved on to the next aisle of books at Barnes and Noble. There sat a book about the 1937 Ohio-Mississippi River Flood. Never mind that it probably does a fantastic job of totally picking apart my thesis about the 1927 Flood and its importance, my first thought was wondering if my thesis advisor, Dr. Rigelhaupt, has seen it yet. He helped me get a trip to Atlanta sponsored last year, where I got to roam a book exhibit amidst people who also find these types of books interesting. An enlightening experience, I tell you.

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The only reason the Deans office approved the trip was because of Dr. Rigelhaupt's confidence in the oral history project I helped produce in 2009 (Christiane and Justin were also in the class). Great teachers give you assignments to be proud of and give you permission to be confident in the work you produce.

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Mr. Anderson was my very first high school teacher and he was fresh off the plane (I mean, i's possible he drove, but there was no colloquial way to say that) from Chicago. He'd taught for a few years, been in the peace corps a few years, worked a few miscellaneous job a few years-- the man had stories. Being homeroom, our class had a few extra minutes together. Many days Mr. Anderson took those minutes to share one or two of those stories. On one particular day he told us a story, the moral of which was to wear our seatbelts. He added a superfluous detail about this girl who was "like a little sister."

Magdalen quickly corrected him, saying "like-a-little-sisters" were always potential love interests who get labeled as a little sister only because the guy is too scared to try out a romantic relationship. Insightful for a 9th grader, right? Mr. Anderson shook his head as if to say "where do they come up with this stuff," but Magdalen insisted he should call up this girl and declare his love and get her to Little Rock.

I didn't see or hear much from Mr. Anderson during the 10th grade, but I figure he must've done something of the sort re: Magdalen's advice because by the 11th grade (British Literature) he was proposing to Meg and telling us about it on a Monday morning, to Magdalen's tearful delight. She demanded that he admit she was right all along and also demanded a wedding invitation.

Great teachers share enough of their personal lives that you feel a personal connection to the material, as well. The background Mr. Anderson provided on Animal Farm first piqued my interest in Russia and history; he made the themes of Pride and Prejudice feel meaningful, not sappy; he got the complicated, controversial aspects of war across through poetry, despite the odds against any of us believing poetry relevant to our times.

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Mrs. Swedenburg made us turn in current event reports every Friday. At first it didn't seem the most thrilling of ways to end the school week, scrounging around for a news article and scribbling something about its content and implications. In the end, the assignment had me enjoying staying informed and making historical connections to the now. She also taught me how to outline material effectively. Great teachers expose your passion and give you concrete ways to pursue it.

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Mrs. Daniels taught me Trig/Stat. (a simple statement, but a true accomplishment, I assure you). Take away lesson: Great teachers demand respect for their time and their subject, regardless of your feelings for the material.

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Mr. Spicer taught me American Literature and how to question things respectfully. He gave us time after chapel to agree or disagree with the message. He shared about his time with "less than exemplary" characters in a hippie band and methods of civil disobedience. He introduced the concept of living according to a standard while truly loving others who haven't asked for a similar standard. Put simply, he taught me intriguing Christianity. The kind that is real, personal and interesting while not immune to controversy and question-- the kind that is like Christ. Great teachers make you think about what you're learning.

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I didn't learn much material in Mr. Sutterfield's worldview class, but I learned a lot from him. He had a farm and wrote articles to send to magazines and newspapers and liked to call birds and gave us a question of the day that seemed pointless but had the point of teaching us that the small things eventually add up to who you are. He asked things like how much we spent on clothes per year and what book we last read and if we deserved "A's" if "A" stood for truly extraordinary work and didn't that make us feel patronized a little? Great teachers live lives that make you think.

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I had a mission to hug Dr. Poska on commencement day. Turns out, I don't even think she was there. I had literally zero interest in Spain and Latin America as I road tripped my way to college in Virginia. Amusing, then, that I spent the highest percentage of time with a singular teacher (4 semesters) with a scholar on the sexual habits of peasants in Early Modern Spain (she's a scholar on a lot more, of course, but that's the humdinger). She said things like "if you have to cry, seriously leave my office because I'm not a mother, not particularly motherly and I don't do tears." Not to me in particular, it was a general warning to the class.

By the 3rd semester she knew me well enough to call me out personally when addressing the class. "This assignment will take you 7-8 pages... Sadie will take about 14." Great teachers make you have something to say about subjects you don't care about. Or didn't care about. Her last words to me were in mock astonishment when I turned in my final exam: "you weren't last!" Great teachers get you to take your work-- not so much yourself-- seriously.
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Dr. Moon talks faster than any teacher I've ever known before or since. Her lectures pack a punch-- you can't get it all down with pen and paper, even my typed notes had holes. Great teachers don't waste your time.

In the upper level classes (I took 3 semesters with her), almost every meeting was a conversation of peers, led by peers (though moderated by Dr. Moon). She taught us how to skim a book for important information to discuss and skip the rest. Then we'd come to class and talk about the big important themes of consumerism or immigration as if we were suddenly experts from reading the one book. Great teachers make you feel informed enough to discuss and apply the information. Great teachers also make you learn from each other.

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Mrs. Tarpley taught me some French and made us suggest the grade we should receive each quarter, along with a statement on why we felt that grade was fair. Great teachers make you set your own bar and assess your work honestly. Madame also encouraged us to be creative and let us cook for points, which is always a win.

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Dr. Tweedy taught me some African American Literature and the complicated thoughts and theories therein. He demanded good writing (and English style writing-- a true challenge to this history major) and full attention. You went to his class with your game face or you didn't go. He was so intimidating at first because he knows his stuff and he throws stuff out there just to make you mad so you respond with heart. But his door was open for clarification and debate and discussion and advice. Great teachers help.

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All of these things stuck and I remember them on a regular basis. I maybe can't conjugate the verb 'connaitre' or name the great poets and their works (3 digit subtraction is even a little murky, I found out while checking the 9 year olds homework today), but I learned far more important things about loving people and having passion and being honest-- the stuff worth continuing to wrestle with.

I wasn't going to write this post because it comes across so sentimental and kind of cheesy when it's something very real to me, appreciation for teachers. I'd all but given up the daunting task of writing some things I was specifically thankful for because I knew I'd go all long winded on a topic that really isn't that interesting to people who didn't sit in those classes and build the admiration.

Then Queen Rania of Jordan tweeted that it's World Teachers' Day and my seemingly unprompted feelings of gratitude had an occasion for expression.

The challenge? Make the most of the occasion: thank a teacher.

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Awards and fancy dinners-- pigs-in-a-blanket and chocolate chip cookies --don't say it like students can.

Oh! and here are pictures of some favorite school kids (past and present) for fun ;)

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Monday, April 18, 2011

I Need Words As Wide As Sky

I don't really care to know how idiotic I looked jumping on the trampoline all by myself this morning at precisely 7 a.m.

I just hope to remember for a while the joy that led to the jumping.

I just pulled an all-nighter to finish my senior thesis. I might not ever go to sleep because I keep looking around, marveling that I've made it to this moment after pushing for so long and it's quiet. Such peace after such toil. 

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It isn't all still. The puppies bustle and chase. They're so irreverent.

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The final thesis is finished. I should revise it one last time. I'm waiting for my professor to answer an e-mail, though, so I have time to kill... to live?

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There's something in me looking for the next assignment. But this time there isn't one. It is a pretty surreal place to be. And I'm loving the change of pace, not just rushing to the next task.

Which of course has me thinking.

I want to live like a woman who knows she isn't assured the next assignment. Not just an academic assignment. I'm talking about the way a woman is forced to live in the face of a terminal diagnosis. Those women ill concerned with things like schedules to make or appearances to keep. The still ones. The kind clinging to God instead of chasing life. Because sparrows don't grocery shop and flowers don't concern themselves with fashion trends. Because as life begins to evade you, I suppose you start seeing it for the wind, the vapor that it truly is.

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I know that sounds depressing. But I don't want the type of moment I'm experiencing academically to shock me when it comes to my life at stake. Our "assignments" are limited. That abstract idea somehow manages to catch people off guard when it crosses the fine line into present personal reality.

You know what I feel like should catch me off guard? The sunrise. It's beautiful and miraculous. But I miss it. I don't let it catch my attention or stir my awe.

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I don't have to wait for a diagnosis to walk out the front door with a blanket and humility enough to know that I don't deserve this day. And yet grace and beauty surround me. 

Yes, in the sunrise. In the jumping. In the game of puppy chase. But those, yes even sunrise, are circumstance. And I am not forever entitled to sit as audience to them. They point to something else. Something more.

There is something better than expanse filling with all the light of day from seemingly nowhere?

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He came into the world and brought the more.

Something more than law. Something more than routine. Something more than sunlit sky. He brought the life. And took the death.

So the dying lost the victory. And the life gained abundance.

But maybe abundant life doesn't mean more sunsets. Maybe it means contentment with this one. Maybe abundance doesn't mean increasing the wealth as so much it means sharing it. Maybe it doesn't mean chasing a future of dreams, but rather living a present of promises.

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The sun didn't rise this morning to tell me God will be faithful tomorrow.

Jesus didn't come to Earth to tell me God will just fulfill his promises in the future.

His coming was the fulfillment. Today's sun was for today.

And tomorrow's will be for tomorrow.

I was reading a part of Acts yesterday that got me to thinking this morning. Saul's walking along the road at Damascus when the bright light flashes and he's blinded. He falls to the ground (because I'm beginning to figure that's just always going to be the posture of the person poised to hear from God) and then asks, "who are you, Lord?"

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Paul's conversion moment was more than a sunrise-- this much I can reason. But I found myself in a similar position this morning. I see the light coming up and I know who's doing it and I believe he's got a plan and I don't question his existence or even his relevance.

But I want to know who He is. "I know it's you Lord, but who are you?" And how do I become more like that?

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Joshua, ready for battle, asks the commander of the LORDs army his plan of action. He's all ready, or so he thinks, to go all in. But the commander said to him-- as the Lord spoke to Moses in the years prior-- "take off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy."

So Joshua did.

There is much ahead for Joshua to do. But at that moment, showing reverence to present holy was more important than anticipating accomplishment. Or accolades.

As graduation looms ever nearer, I'm so thankful for this moment. And at Easter, most thankful for the present holy.

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I need words

As wide as sky

I need language wide as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing you
That I've yet to find