Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I have no idea why I'm doing this.

You ever have those moments?

Jumping off the high dive. 

Maxing out on the treadmill.

Fumbling across an ice rink with no ounce of skill, to be with the laughter.

Getting soaked with a hose by small children that you could easily take.
College in far, far away.

This blog.

This life.

I haven't all the clues.

Most of my "what am I doing" moments come at times when energy is high and I am made to assess what in the world brought me to that moment... 12 feet above the water; hands and knees on the cold ice; 1000 miles from home. 

Other times, it is solitude that begs the question most.

I have a lot of "why me" moments.

Not the self-pitying, born of grief "why me" moments. The overwhelmed with gratitude and truly baffled by the ease of life "why me" moments. I have a friend whose dad died before he could watch her graduate high school. A mom whose trust was betrayed as a child by her grandfather. A brother who longed to be something growing up until he realized he lacked leading from the God he wanted to know to love.

And then I have the people who I don't know, but I do my best to read their stories and learn what I can about grief and pain, as well as joy and grace. A woman who chose her daughters coffin as the baby kicked in her womb. A woman whose husband was killed by impersonal acts of hate as she anticipated the birth of their third child. These people's openness allows me to feel a bit of their burden, and discover so much more about my heavenly Father than I could if it were just me. 

So why me?

Why have I not been seriously betrayed? Why have I not had to struggle with the death of a loved one? Why am I not hungry when I go to bed at night? The most discomfort I have recently experienced has come from cleaning out a garage full of things that my family was blessed to have afforded in the first place -- that cluttered up because I have had the same, sturdy home for the past 18 years. 

I seem to spend my time feeling more guilt for these things than acting in accordance to how much has been given to me.  Sometimes I wish I had a better story-- that I struggled with more so that I would come out stronger. I sit and wish that I would be jolted into action. That I would come to the critical point of really choosing to believe in God and having to trust in that enough to get me to the next day.

I know it is a dangerous request. Because I know He'll do it. He is doing it, offering every day for me to believe and trust Him, no matter what my circumstances-- bad OR good-- are doing around me. 

I guess I started this blog to really sort through my thoughts on that invitation. To have a record of His work in me. To be able to add pictures where I want to remember what life looked like at each post. Because I don't know what life will look like tomorrow. Or in a year. But He does. That he knows what is next and has promised to carry me through is enough for me to enjoy today without anxiety or guilt.

Everything that I have? God gave it. And every bit of it is intended to capture my attention. And so the blog title addresses Him. Lord, capture me. 

What in the world brought me to this moment? Him. 

Why am I doing this? Him. 

He loves me no more or no less than the person on the next blog.

He loved me enough to send His Son on the cross.

He loves me enough to have spared me great sadness up to this point in my life.

He loves me enough to promise that He will never leave me or forsake me when that desperate "why me" moment comes.

And He loves me enough to not have me sleepwalking through life.

He has gifted me to love history and teaching, so I'll pursue that. He has blessed me with a love of children, so I continue to make a living loving them. He has stirred me with a desire for mission work so I'm hoppin' on board.

This blog is about capturing bits and piece of my life as God keeps on capturing my attention. It isn't about image or for bragging, it is all about constantly reminding myself what I want my days to add up to: a life captured by His love. 

So, I'll jump off the high dive and try to remember to hold onto my bottoms.

I'll run as fast as possible on the treadmill to the delight of two boys as He reminds me ever so humorously that I do have a breaking point. (My face is as RED as Jeff's hair!)

I'll join friends in activities that I may not be so fabulous in, and be thankful that where I am weak, they are strong.

I'll dance around a sopping backyard with children running to drench me, and slow down to see their smiles when they catch up.

I'll move to Virginia, trusting He's just as capable there.

Life is pretty great right now, but I do not want a pretty great life to come at the expense of a passion for Jesus Christ.

Capture my attention, Lord, and make me humble.

May I love because you first loved me.