anxiety is killer. Because the person with anxiety believes the stress and the worry is completely rational and necessary. That they are the sane ones. Why are other people not moving quickly or stressed in the least? Projects loom. Time is wasting away. The schedule is full. Details must be tended to and any new events added to the schedule are burdensome, unmanageable, and enough to make any "sane" person crazy. This was me this afternoon, and it was not pretty. Not to me. Probably not to others if you saw me from 4-7 p.m. And certainly not to God.
My trigger? The dang TIVO.
Of course there are other things on my radar this week. A bio test, an econ. test, a primary source analysis and presentation all due by Friday. But the source of my foul attitude this afternoon was not necessarily these things. Nope. Just a stupid television did me in today.
Here's the situation. We tried to get this TIVO going last year. Nothing. This year, after replacing an adapter and contacting a computer assistant a little more adept to technology, the prognosis looked a little more promising for my beloved digital recording system. It has taken 3 weeks for the computer people to get back to me, since I needed their blessing to access the wireless network (I sound so much smarter than I am right now). Today, the words I've waited to hear for 13 months appeared in an e-mail: you should be able to operate your device. Squealed. Right there in the middle of the library. Got back to the room. Couldn't find the menu I needed to get the setup restarted. So I pulled out the wireless cord from the adapter. Tragic mistake. I killed the fragile mechanism (yep, same thing we just bought again after breaking it last year). Cursed. Right there in the middle of the dorm room. The only thing wrong are these mm wide, 1/4 long metal posts that have popped out of place. Easy to fix, right? An hour and a half later I dare you to tell me such lies. Talk about freaking out over small details. So I head to the BCM in my gym clothes (no time for a shower after this ordeal) with no work done (remember my academic requirements this week?), defeated by a 1/4 of an inch x 1 mm. Then I arrive at the BCM to find that all of my work has been done for me and I am upset that people basically questioned my reliability. I'm telling you anxiety is killer.
Because really I should appreciate their help. And now, crisis averted (and TIVO working), I really do. I'm sorry I was late and I have a new, improved game plan for how to be of best assistance as 5-alive coordinator extraordinaire (my official title, no less). Also, I did get in good studying and a good workout today. And if nothing else I've had good meals and good company during all of these activities. Why did I feel so discouraged?
Certainly it was just one of those days. I let myself get nervous about my test during class, then put my hope in a TIVO and my spirit was literally crushed along with the stupid adapter. And I let a detail, a circumstance beat me. Luckily He reeled me in pretty quickly. Still, how often is it a small incident that makes us nearly burst?
As I tampered with the "silver thingys" (this was the term I used for the 1mm x 1/4 inch guys during my phone call with dad) I realized that while it was a tiny object, it threw off the function of a whole system. Then I thought about all of the tiny objects in our bodies that could go wrong and throw off our whole system (remember, I'm studying biology). Then I thought of how many tiny things could go wrong in my day to day life (like, say, a TIVO internet adapter) to throw it off. So many things! And I could drive myself insane thinking about them all. I could drive myself even more insane trying to prevent/fix them all.
But as He takes care of my breathing and blood flow (two very small parts of our conscious day, huge parts of our function!) He could be all up in my tiny details. He could be with my attitude when one of these details goes wrong the same way He keeps so many small details under control all the time. The difference between blood flow and attitude is that one is voluntary. One I have to consciously give up. Hint: it's not the blood.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
-Matthew 6:19-21
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