Like a Baby

A song came on while I drove to church yesterday morning. I was about to skip all the talking in the beginning because usually live stuff annoys me. But then I listened to the words and got chills as I immediately realized how badly I needed to hear them.

"On Monday night of this past week about midnight I wrote a letter to the Lord. I didn't know where to mail it so i put it in my bible. And i asked him, 'Lord you gotta do something about my heart. You know, a lot of time has gone by since I met you, and it's starting to harden up. It's just kinda natural. I want to have baby skin lord, I wanna have skin like a baby on my heart. It's starting to get old and wrinkled and calloused. It's not because of anything I'm doing. It's because of a lot of things I'm not doing.' I stayed up til about 2 in the morning writing this...

Oh, Lord. You're beautiful. Your face is all I seek. For when your eyes are on this child, your love abounds to me. Oh, Lord, my body's tired. But you keep reminding me. Of many holy tireless me who spilt their blood for thee. I want to take your Word and shine it all around. But first help me just to live it, Lord. And if I'm doing well, help me to never make a sound except to give all the glory to you.

Oh, Lord. My faith is small. And I need a touch from you. Your Book of Books lies undisturbed and the prayers from me too few. Oh, Lord, please light the fire that once burned bright and clear. Replace the lamp of my first love that's fueled with holy fear. I want to take your word and shine it all around. But first help me just live it, Lord. And if I'm doing good, please help me to never make a sound except to give all the glory to you.

Oh, Lord, you're beautiful. Your face is all I seek. For when your eyes are on this child, your faith abounds to me."

I just listened to it over and over. I've known the song for... ever. Back in the Immanuel West days, before Saddle Creek or Rock Creek. Of course I should have guessed that the lyrics would take on a whole different meaning in completely different circumstances.

What's weird is that while the circumstances are different and I have grown in ways spiritual and physical, in a lot of ways my life hasn't changed much. I still go to bed at night knowing the unconditional love of my family and, many days, truly believing life couldn't get much better than it is.

Like this past week it was 70 degrees outside and beautiful. I got to see friends who have been out of town for the summer. I got old books at a library book sale and then made enough money at coinstar to pay for those books. I spent many hours pouring over recent memories made as I chose photographs to print off for miscellaneous purposes. I found out I really do get to have Arkie for school. I played trains with a 3 year old. The highlander had to be repaired for 1200 dollars and then we found out that Dad's most recent bonus is for 1200 dollars. Because God is good like that. I went to the pool with family. I went to the park with family. I got to work with an all star cast on Saturday and danced around in the banana suit some more. I ate Churches Chicken.

What I find over and over again is that the correct response to each of these statements, not just about the car trouble/solution, is because God is good like that. But often I just give Him credit for the getting me out of a sticky situation, not necessarily for the providing me with a great one. And then I feel guilty for how vain it sounds to say that my life couldn't get much better than this. Because it could. I could be and it's not because my faith is small. The pride in me doesn't like to admit that. And I don't like to linger in the frustration that results from knowing my faith should be stronger because every other area of my life is seemingly fulfilled. So I really don't have cause to complain or sulk or go all emo-whoa-is-me.

Yet it is a cause for concern. That so often I feel bad for not doing enough to grow spiritually instead of getting over the pride involved therein and just jumping back in.

There is comfort to me in the above introduction to Oh, Lord You're Beautiful where he mentions that the hardening of the heart is natural over time. I don't like that, but I suppose I do have to accept it. It just seems so pitiful to me that I should assume the relationship will get weaker. And it is pitiful that I let it get weaker. That it does over time if neglected shouldn't shock me. But every time I get to a place where I am less than pleased with my spiritual life, it still does take me by surprise. It makes me feel like a failure, that I've done something wrong. When really all I've done is let the natural fizzle happen for lack of time spent with Jesus. A lot of things I'm not doing. I should be more burdened for that than for the fact that the deterioration happens.

I'm glad to know it's not just me. Often I read stories of the people who straight up fell in a hole. A sudden fall.

For me it's a lot more gradual. Like the devil steady digs an include to lead me into a hole.

He doesn't get me down and kick me while I'm there. He lets me continue walking, seeing everything going fabulously around me. He lets me believe life couldn't get much better than it is, even distracts me with it, as I descend. He has me believe that all of the goodness around me is natural. When really it's all because God is good. And what's natural is becoming so consumed by the comfort of a peachy life that I forget the Source of it in the first place. And it slips my mind to remember to glorify Him with it.

My heart inevitably grows hard as its supply is cut off. The fact that it happens in general is not my fault. The fact that it happens in my life? It's because I let my faith grow small. And that is no one's fault but my own. It isn't the circumstance. It's not about how splendidly everything else is going in my life, or how not splendidly, for that matter. It's about the heart of it all.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24-26)

Lord, you gotta do something with my heart... I want skin like a baby.

... on my heart. Not necessarily on my thighs. No offense addie baby who shall remain anonymous in order to help maintain some of your pride.