On life and love. But mostly about love.

I guess I'm just a special case.

Not special in the I'm so lucky and great way. Special like stop eating the paste special.

I can't exactly put my finger on just what it is. I mean, why is it that I'm not ett (eaten) up with this longing for a man? I don't feel empty or incomplete or frustrated or sad in regards to my love life.

Which, so you know, is non-existent.

And so we're clear, none of this is to boast how level-headed I am or what a fabulous place I'm in. I have no history to speak of when it comes to boys. I can count on one hand the amount of crushes (celebrities not included, Mel Gibson. Hugh Jackman. Kiefer Sutherland....) I've ever had. Those of you who have an involved past or are looking at a complicated future, to those of you who have an easy relationship with your man or are even happily married-- I'm with you. We face different obstacles and perhaps travel at different speeds and intensities, but I believe we're walking the same road. The road of finding out who that guy is and how we keep him around. And all the wondering in between. Our experiences are different and we're made differently. That's how it's supposed to be. I'd hate it to be any other way. Please don't envy me; little naive, inexperienced, unworried me. In return, I won't be jealous of you determined people who get to relate to the catchy relationship songs, even if they are the sad ones.

I guess I'll start at puberty. Is that TMI? Well, too bad, because that's when all the pressure starts. All the "he's cute" and "omg, I'm like totally in love" s spill into the hallways where short pimply boys are still a little clueless of the attention afforded them by giggly emotional girls with big dreams and little heartache. There are the naturally beautiful 8th graders who get the especially testosterone-y boys early on. It's like they've gone to the salon every morning and the dermatologist every afternoon, they are that polished. Then there are the awkward guys who know they don't really have a chance with those girls so they instead start making jokes about how easily they could have a girl if they wanted to. They act charming but they aren't really. And then there are the truly unassuming guys, all 3 of them, who the girls that know they don't have a chance with the perfectly coiffed, already in shape males crush on but never get because neither parties think the other is an option.

Somewhere in there is me. I look back and see all of this. I write about it with sarcasm because you just have to laugh at middle school. But back then? I truly couldn't care less. I didn't blow off the relationship thing because I was hurt by this system and wanted to hide that pain with indifference. I honestly didn't want a part in it. It seemed pointless then and it still seems silly today. All the tears and the hopes and the fawning and the expectations and the grooming all over boys who still probably didn't know what a vow was? I'd rather be babysitting, thank you. Or hanging out with friends and family. Watching movies and celebrating holidays and going on mission trips and to church. Anything but all of the drama. I didn't see myself above it, promise. I just didn't want to be in it. I guess I just sat beside it and watched as girls made fools of themselves to attract fools and get hurt. That was middle school.

High School. Not an entirely different story, except for that more attempts to get the guy ended successfully and it became more bearable to be around the displays of affection. As we grew, the capacity to have a meaningful and solid relationship did, too. I saw a good many of them. But still, the gossip and the talk of who's with who just didn't appeal to me. Again, not above it all. Just mixed up in it. To pretend one can be above it is laughable. The boy thing is all around in these formative years. And it is pounded into all of these adolescents. There is no elevation out of it. Even for the most spiritual and guarded people, it is an environment of raging hormones masked in lust and popularity.

But not unbearable. As a matter of a fact, I thoroughly enjoyed my high school experience. You may not be able to tell given my above summation, but I was not pessimistic towards it all. I just want to make it clear that it's not that I wasn't phased by the boy issue-- I saw and picked up on it all around me. I just didn't want a part in it myself. I didn't even necessarily want a part in the successful relationships I saw. This is where the "Sadie, you're crazy" or "I don't know how you do it" or the jokes about me not even liking men came into play.

I wish I could explain it better than I'm doing now. And my failure to be able to get my point across here is one of the reasons I have yet to have attempted a post on the subject. But, you see, in my own little way I do struggle with the boy question. Just not in the burning desire to have a boy kind of way.

The way I put it then was like this: "For me the point of dating is the find the man I'm going to marry and to have him take the initiative. Pining over boys in general seems stupid when he's going to have to show interest in me before anything happens, anyway. Plus, the chances of me even finding a guy worth having for the rest of my life now are pretty slim (I was in a class of 100, mind you). Most importantly, though, the point of marriage is to mirror as best as humans can the relationship between Christ and the Church. It's beyond any pessimism I might have and it is not that I think no guy deserves me. I'm just not there yet. It is not a boy or experience that will make me ready or complete. It is learning about what it is I'm supposed to one day be modeling. That is going to take time."

And, oh, is it taking time.

I guess my struggle is more with making myself ready, growing me up, than it is with finding Mr. Right. Mr. Perfect? I've forgotten about him. In observing the very real relationships around me, the endless examples-- Mom and Dad, Gregg and Juli, John and Alta-Lynn, Laurence and Yvette, Luke and Stephanie, grandparents, Tom and Kelly, Scott and Kellye-- I've come to the conclusion that there may be a Mr. Perfect-for-me but it will never be perfect. So that is not my expectation and the pressure is off. But I've also found that most of the guys busy pursuing ladies out there are trying to seem perfect. Showering girls, feeding into the high maintenance, wooing them with promises that it can be this good forever. I'm just not in the mood to be wooed, you know? At least not by the cheesy, sweet-talkin', surface level guys. Trust me, I do eagerly await the day the man shows up and sweeps me off of my feet. In the meantime, though, I'm not going to just go slipping in front of them all to see if they'll catch me and be that hero forever and always.

Also in the meantime, I wont live in denial of my singleness. I'll read the "how to be single and happy" as well as the "prep yourself for the right man" books proudly, not tucked up under pillows. I don't feel the need for self-help books because I don't think there's something necessarily wrong with me that makes me so unattractive. Oh, sure, there are unattractive things about me-- inside and out. But it's not a dating book I need to help that. And it's not my flirting skills or weight that are going to attract my man. Not the one I want, anyway.

The truth is that my old high school excuse for avoiding relationships is losing its legitimacy. I'm at a time in my life when the odds that I will find the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with are pretty much at their greatest and it's not the hugest window. Of course God works some couples together in high school and others in their thirties. My hope will never be in the odds, so I can't be particularly crushed if they don't work in my favor. So the odds against me argument is out of the window. And while I do still believe that marriage is a reflection of Christ's love for the church, the truth is that I should be getting better at understanding that love and knowing Him personally in my life. My age is no longer an excuse for lack of personal growth in Christ. At some point I am going to have to get there, and it would be nice if I made it happen during this window of the odds being in my favor.

But should I be seeking Christ for the purpose of finding love?

Stupid question. Of course I should. And I will find it. Guaranteed.

Seeking Christ for the purpose of finding a man?

Definitely not solely for that purpose. And the man is less guaranteed.

I'm reading a book right now entitled "What to Do Until Love Finds You." My thought is that He already has. And He's trying hard to captivate my attention. I wish I could say that it's worked so well and I'm nose-deep in scripture and that is why I'm not desperate for a man. But it's not even that. I guess I have what Michelle McKinney Hammond calls "the gift."

"After much discussion (I came to call them moan sessions) with my other Christian sisters, I was force to ponder another question: Was I the unsuspecting recipient of "the gift"? "The gift" was the capacity to walk through life being totally sublime and undisturbed by one's marital status."

So far that's me. Truly not disturbed in the least that I'm 19 and have yet to kiss a guy. Or date one. Or go on more that one date with one. Or be seriously attracted to one (that was my age and not living in hollywood or australia). I know it makes me weird. I don't know how long it will last. Will I be okay with being single forever? I'm not sure about that.

I envision children. I could take or leave the picket fence because I want the real. There could be a dog. I don't care what my man does or looks like. Is it weird that for right now I don't really even care if he exists?

Probably so. It's not that I don't want a boyfriend or husband. I get swept up in the love songs and dreams like the next girl. Promise I do. It would really be lovely, I'm sure. I also know it would be hard, which is why I don't want a relationship based on what I want.

I want a relationship based on what He wants. Which requires adamant pursuit of His will. And being satisfied in Him. My problem is not with giving up the desire for man in order to grow closer to Christ. It's being stuck smack dab in the middle of that spectrum and feeling like I'm not yet close to Christ. I know this:

The closer I get, the more I will long to find His qualities in a man.

Or the more content I will be in realizing those qualities in Jesus.

Either way I'm in the middle and I know which way I should be going. Really the only way to go if I do want a forever relationship with the perfect guy. So I'm not going to try to pressure myself to work harder to find my Mr. Right or call myself crazy because I don't itch to kiss a boy. But I am going to get better at being ready.

Just so you see that I am a cheesy girl, I'll have you know that I've started writing letters to the future love of my life. If it winds up just being Jesus, well, then, it's hardly a "just." And I'm lucky to have Him.

After all, He came to give me life. But mostly to give me love.

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desire of your heart." -Psalm 37:4