Decidedly Discontent

So I have this awesome job that came out of nowhere.

Really.

Given to me. That only means as much as it does when you consider my general lack of motivation for all things official such as interviews and applications (and housing agreements/degree order forms... but that's another miraculously taken care of story, thankfully).

And when I say awesome, I don't just mean cool benefits. I mean it's a big thing. Not only in terms of time commitment and objectives of the internship, but in my mind it is the opportunity to seek consistently and like I never have the wisdom of God. And it has come at the perfect time because this wisdom I am perceived as having is beginning rub me raw. In my apparent mental health and flexibility and chipper attitude, I'm told I'm hard to be around. My "perfection" brings out others imperfection.

That aura of perfection, friends, is not a reflection of a pursuit for the wisdom of God. That is the self-promoting, self-loving image of a girl who has been given enough in life to look like she's earned it with her spiritual-ness and good temperament. And it is hard to hear that the pursuit of purification from God actually makes someone else feel unworthy or less connected to him. Mostly because I forever want God's perfection (no quotation marks) to convict me of my own imperfection. I don't want to take that role that is unique to God's perfection from him. And I don't want to see myself as this wise entity because isn't it true that man's wisdom will be made foolishness? 1 Corinthians 1:25 says, "God's foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God's weakness is stronger than human strength."

To hear how strong I am, how good I think I am, to actually believe how good I am? It means I haven't even tapped into know God's weakness, much less his strength. To be wise by human appearance makes me yearn to know even God's foolishness as it reigns superior to whatever good sounding lessons and words I can muster.

"For who makes you superior? What do you have that you didn't receive? If, in fact, you did receive it, why do you boast as if you hadn't received it?" Sadie, girlfriend, why do you boast the job, the family, the friends, the education as if you earned it. As if it wasn't given to you. As if you won't have to give it back?

I will have to, sooner or later. And so, I am decidedly discontent with holding on to these things as my own while I only halfheartedly and upon my own convenience pursue God. It only makes me look good.

And I am sick of that.

This new job I have is already equipping me with resources to begin my pursuit God-given, not human conceived wisdom. In an unexpected trip to the Christian bookstore with the new boss, the church paid for me three books that I can't bring myself to just skim. Not when just about every word of Tozer feels directly pointed at me.

"The doctrine of justification by faith-- a biblical truth, and a blessed relief from sterile legalism and unavailing self-effort-- has in our time fallen into eveil company and been interpreted by many in such a manner as actually to bar men from the knowledge of God. The whole transaction of religious conversion has been made mechanical and spiritless. Faith may now be exercised without a jar to the moral life and wihtout embarrassment to the Adamic ego. Christ may be 'received' without creating any special love for Him n the soul of the receiver. The man is 'saved,' but he is not hungry nor thirsty after God. In fact, he is specifically taught to be satisfied and is encouraged to be content with little."

I'd like to believe I could be content with a few less gifts, but I cannot bring myself to be satisfied with a stagnant (or more likely waning) relationship with the giver.

I want to be a David.

"David's life was a torrent of spiritual desire, and his psalms ring with the cry of the seeker and the glad shout of the finder... [holy men and women of the past] mourned for him, prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and whey they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking."

So here's to the seeking.