The Job

In case this post gets deep, I want to state on the up front that I'm on the couch watching Biggest Loser with Dad and Stephanie. Last night it was the Bachelor. Do not be fooled by fancy words, I'm just another girl on spring break.

As such, I have struggled with the main thing this week.

You know, the main thing.

Not just the being home and the extra sleep and the unplanned afternoons and the movies and the Sims and the catching up on the olympics and the various appointments and what not.

Because when I'm home and out from under surrounding pressure, what is there not to do, and what is not going to be fun? Still, as expressed in my last post pre-break, none of it is the main thing-- something especially apparent to me when I am without all of this and far away. Without all the eating out and the dominoes and the maternity clothes (not for me) and the dancing to "Ring my Bell" with dad, there is still so much to enjoy and so much to learn. There is still so much to love. But mostly, there is still the main thing when these things are absent from my life. For me, that is God.

With whom it is possible to build the most fulfilling, fruitful relationship in my life. I really believe that. I know I do because as I typed it I asked myself "do you actually mean that?" The fact that it is still written up there serves as evidence that I do. I might have put it there blindly, but it stays with much thought. That's the thing-- it's something I have to think about.

I can't just write it a week ago.

I can't just have sung (terrible tense) about it on Sunday.

I can't just say it during a job interview.

And while I'd love to believe that the whole having a deep relationship with the God of Creation thing could just happen, the truth is that true character and honest love for the wisdom and counsel of the Lord has never just been happened upon.

It is a job. It doesn't come naturally. It is so tempting to only feel desperate for it when I feel desperate. Spring break doesn't necessarily bring out the desperation in this homegirl. And I am a home girl.

But then there is that part of me that can't and doesn't want to just know the people I know and keep on doing what I do without regard for those not like me-- without a willingness to be where I need to be to have a heart broken by my own sin and the hurt in this world that others can't just put off for one week in the "spring."

I don't live in desperation. Other people do. There's a gap there that I believe has been bridged. By Christ, in such a way and by such provision that neither of us-- the haves or the have nots-- has to live in despair. I don't believe I have to deprive myself of the things I enjoy-- the company of my family whilst watching American Idol on the DVR comes to mind for some reason-- before I can consider myself useful. Far from it, I think it is futile to feel guilty for what I have for the sake of trying to feel useful. Because is my tv really what is keeping me from offering a smile to the slow waitress or offering a dollar to the guy with the sign on the street or from serving a youth group to the best of my ability, starting with meaningful time in prayer and preparation for their internship program?

If so, sad.

But mostly it's not what I do have or what I am doing that is keeping me from it.

It's what I'm not doing and therefore what I don't have that is keeping me from acting on what I believe. And that, as previously stated, is that "it is possible to build the most fulfilling, fruitful relationship in my life" with God.

What I do or do not have does not change that fact, that promise on God's part. But as long as there is a gap between my experience and someone else's, I want to live like a person who believes that Jesus came not just to fill that gap, but to bridge the gap between all of us and him.

It is a job.

And it is my job for the next eight weeks especially. I don't know if I've officially talked about my position at Fairview as the intern coordinator, but there you go I just did. Basically I'm getting paid to be a part of other people's lives and help about five youth realize some leadership potential. My job is to foster growth in them. By starting with fostering it in myself.

Honestly, it feels strange to be making money for something I so badly want to do anyway.

Leave it to God to use money as a reward for a girl who already feels she has too much. It's like a divinely juxstaposed reminder that the money isn't the reward here. And this job is not where the job of learning how to please God and lead others to him ends.

It does feel like an awesome beginning.

The people pleasing thing is exhausting. Even when those people are the ones I absolutely want to have feel considered and, well, pleased. Perhaps especially when I'm out to please the people I love most. My friends. The people who made the move to far, far away really fun.

But while I have this time away, I'm jumping on the keeping the main thing the main thing bandwagon (begun by the likes of David and Job... pun intended?) and can't even be sorry about it.

It is a job. It takes time and effort and energy to focus on an eternal perspective and try to reconcile it with present expectations and pressure. It takes time away and time alone and an attitude that makes no apologies for making that my priority.

It also takes a gentle heart that is willing to clarify my intentions and be honest about my feelings.

It takes a tougher person than I am on my own. It is intimidating to me. I am not good at the balance therein. But, then, that's the job.

And thank God that he is faithful.

He waives the job performance rating and continues to offer the benefits-- especially for those struggling to believe they'd ever be useful to "the company" or to the "boss." This could all just be my consumerism class talking again.

So I'll let God do the talking, let him outline the job, as he did to Job like forever ago:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-- while the morning stars sang together and while the angels shouted for joy?... Do you have an arm like God's, and can your voice thunder like his? Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself with honor and majesty. Unleash the fury of your wrath, look at every proud man and bring him low." -Job 38:2-7, 40:9-11

This he says to a man who by earthly standards had every reason to complain, take it upon himself to exact revenge and walk away. A man who had every earthly reason to give up, be short, believe that anything he could come up with alone had to be better than what God was dishing out.

Even for Job, God makes it clear that our job is to remind ourselves what we can't do and what we don't have control of and tremble at that. Because once we're there, the price he paid for us has to seem so much more significant.

That appreciation, the reality of what Christ did and how it should make a difference in my life, just won't be happened upon. But more than anything I don't want to miss it. So I pray that God make me up to the task.

Even as I sit surrounded by everything it looks like I'd ever need. I won't be fooled.