Searching

First of all, I am sorry if the following words, or amount therein, reflect this month-long blogging absence. Given that I've had three references from other people regarding the length of my typical post, I guess those of you still here are used to it by now.

Where have I been?

Well, Peru, for starters. Also, Paron, Arkansas. I know, world traveler. I'm VIP like that.

Actually, a good deal of my time finds itself devoted to making me feel not so important.

In my teenage days (i.e. a year ago) I would've taken those thoughts in for a tea party and we'd sing songs and I'd be so proud of myself that I-- seemingly far before my peers-- was no longer wrapped up in my own importance. I was humble, if you will. (shakes head "no")

Over time, though, the pride would fill my heart and move on to my lungs without having become good buddies with selflessness back at the tea party. My words, even those joking prods, carried with them such self importance. By the time I really heard them coming out of my mouth, I'd be mortified.

Why?

Because in the depths of my heart (where sometimes there is only the darkest of corners reserved for Jesus) I hate selfishness. I hate being inconsiderate. I hate feeling important.

Really.

What I'm finding is that there is some amount of humility involved in that sentiment. But it is lost on the pride that eventually makes it's way to the power of my words. And those words could be making their escape because Jesus has only a dark corner reserved in my lungs, as well. I end up hearing what I'm saying and how it must be affecting hearing ears and then I beat myself up, convinced once again that I should never allow myself to feel important. And the cycle begins again.

If you're exhausted, join the club.

So sure, there is some good coming from the mindset that says "what I want isn't that important." But done in the spirit of being a hero or feeling not in the least bit useful is contrary to what Jesus taught his difference-making disciples who were, by themselves, unimportant.

Jesus will whisper something to that effect to me from His corners. But the message comes across much clearer when I have Him to the sunroom for tea.

I'm learning to not let feelings of inadequacy or even total selflessness take His spot. They are not always helpful and they do not put me leagues above my peers, as my pride tries to convince me of. If I let myself feel unimportant, I am ill prepared to believe God to make a difference in and then through me. What a terrible thing to miss, given that to love God and to love people is the purpose of my existence.

I've spent the past month searching for the words to write about Peru. I felt, though, that in order to properly report, I'd need to be able to share exactly how the trip changes my approach to my future. I'd need to be able to say how I'm changed. And that, to be honest, remains to be seen.

The stories I encountered were amazing, the children so loving, the opportunities amazing. Don't get me wrong. But I can't get on here and say that it changed my life without any examples.

I can say for certain that Peru gave me a desire to make a difference. While there, I heard the Whisper from the depths that said I've got to see in myself the potential that God already sees. I have to believe Him to make a difference and, in that, find my importance. I'm finding that my struggle all along has been feeling so terribly unimportant while carrying a burning desire to live a life of importance. The former tends to smother the latter when one loses confidence in (or sight of or time with) the One who makes the difference.

So I'm done searching for the words to say about where I've been.

And this day, for starters, will be about seeking where to go from here.

This girl with a shy heart is doing her best to dream big in hopes (and there is hope) of discovering a bigger, more able, more important God. Of course, He will not have changed. But my view of Him will have.

I crave that. For my future. For the future of my relationships. I want to know that gradual transformation for the sake of making a difference in the lives of Peruvian and Arkansan kids alike.

It worked once before, the dream big thing, with the college era. But I want it deeper still. The opportunity for that knocks as the era comes to an end.

Timid-to-dream me is reading titles like "Cure for the Common Life" and "Captivating" and "You Matter More Than You Think", believing now that there is a very dangerous aspect of feeling not at all important. It has much to do with having very little faith in the ability of God to make dreams come true for His glory.

In Peru, dreams came true for me. And I believe God was glorified through our time and work there. It's time, now, that He be glorified by the future I pursue given the dreams He made come true then. Given that He once again proved Himself faithful.

Across 3500 miles.

The stake no longer sits at 1000.

Lord, show me how to meet you where the stakes are higher. My feeling unimportant reflects a laziness to pursue the important difference you want to make in my life. Be the difference, God, as I count the cost.