... the word of the day. Noelle got baptized today. It was a beautiful morning and a sweet celebration of her life with Christ up to this point. Her action stands to symbolize her belief in Jesus and to encourage the Church with her proclamation of faith. What a blessing it was to have that example today. What a greater joy it is to have that example every day.
It was in witnessing this momentous occasion, listening to the sermon, taking in the company of loved ones, weighing my spiritual life, praising God in song, receiving a text from home, hearing attacks on the preacher and sighs of boredom, giggles along the pew of self-indulgent amusement at the expense of spiritual nourishment brought on by sugar rush, worrying for Deirdre who needed to get back for dance and who seemed shocked at our groups irreverence during the service and battling my own emotions leading up to and inside of church today that God broke me. It came in a wave... the pouring of literal tears as I descended the steps of my 85 year old Baptist church. I wanted to walk back to campus and feel the breeze of autumn. To let the wind dry my tears as I solemnly experienced the Lord's rebuke. But when I expressed my intention to the group, my idea was met with protest. In heels? Alone? I was in danger of making a scene.
Hear me now, I wanted the scene to be all about Noelle today-- or at least all about her Jesus who made the day and its promise possible. So I got in the car, put on my sunglasses and cried. I tried to not. But I failed. And I hated that the joy of the baptism might somehow be compromised by my inability to put my problems aside and celebrate with the clan. But God wasn't going to let me put this confrontation off. I excused myself from the lunch plans and met Him on the steps behind Monroe, the building of my academic major, to cry for spiritual wisdom. I stopped by the dorm first and picked up a cup of tea, which I poured in a mug bearing the verse trust in the Lord with all your heart. It was my warmth in this first really cold day of fall. I sat before Him with my bible opened to Psalms and cried. Because I had been let down. The sermon was lackluster, yes. But my friends-- my fellowship, my co-worshippers-- decided to meet his words with mockery and distraction. There I was really wanting to be fed. Let Friday night's post be an indication that I was hungry to hear from God. And as much as I wanted to make it a me-good, them-bad situation (after all, I was being the attentive one, they were the ones making fun of the Church) the sting was in the conviction that this was not at all the case. Sure they may not have been paying close attention, but they were having fun bringing laughter to what is, after all, a happy day. It isn't a matter of sides-- who was right who was wrong. It's about my motivations, expectations, and reactions. I wanted to be filled by the message and worship today. I wanted to go to church, feel better about life, and keep pressing on. Then God said I'll show you feel better. He essentially took away my safety net, my friend group, by showing me that sometimes they, too, lack the answers. Lack the appropriate approach to seeking Him. Lack the discipline to seriously pay attention to and weigh thoughts on the sermon. They are lacking. If by no other fault than by being human, they are lacking. And I cannot always count on them to be comfortable around.
Where, then, can I find comfort? Home. Oh yes, home. There would be some comfort. Oh wait. 1000 miles away. Just about then I get a text from mom. She's carrying on our ongoing joke where we exchange lunch plans, each inviting the other to come along. It's in total jest. But when I wanted more than anything to have the emotional stability in my mom's embrace, the text only added to my affliction. Affliction that I was knowingly meeting with a selfish attitude, blaming my peers for distracting me and disrespecting an authority on your word. And even if they didn't agree with him or weren't convinced of his authority, their response gave no indication that they even tried at all to take the guy seriously. I didn't like this attitude and I prayed for an escape, but each eye roll and whisper took me further from my feel good church experience... which was now going on 2 hours long. I really didn't mind the time, but the group was getting increasingly restless. I hated this bitterness I felt and I knew my feelings were irrational. I no longer wanted a feel good service, I needed time to really pay attention to God.
Once I got there He brought me this:
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me. For in You my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. I cry out to God Most High, who fulfills his purpose in me; God sends his love and his faithfulness,... My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you , O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the people. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God..." -Psalm 57:1-5, 7-11
"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." -Psalm 61:2
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken... One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you O Lord, are loving..." -Psalm 62:1-2, 11-12
"On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings." -Psalm 63:6-7
"Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds-- his name is the LORD-- and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his Holy dwelling." -Psalm 68:4-5
I'm learning to take refuge in Him alone. It hurts sometimes, especially in times like this afternoon, but He is chipping away at my circumstantial dependence on friends and family. I mean, I will always cherish their love, support, insight, laughter, wisdom, silliness, and the list will go infinitely on. But I cannot take refuge in them alone. I cannot take refuge on Beeson Ct. alone. I cannot take refuge at church alone. I cannot take refuge in academic excellence alone. I cannot take refuge alone. In Him.
I am so grateful for today. As it progressed He highlighted the above-mentioned characteristics of each friend that make them so dear to me. From dinner with Deirge to Taco Bell with Noelle to chillin' with Dina to studying with Ashley to talking to Jill. I also got to talk to Mom, Dad, and Emily and be genuinely thankful to God for them-- mindful all the while of His movement in my life to take my focus off of the temporary comfort of all of these things and place it on his eternal, faithful strength. I am so thankful for Noelle's obedience to her calling to be dunked. It served as a catalyst to my conviction this morning that if I am going to proclaim the sufficiency of Christ, I've got to be more diligent in coming to know about it and living accordingly.
Dunked: "buried with Christ in baptism, raised to walk in newness of life"
... that is no letdown
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