If God is For Us

"Listen to Me, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He and I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." -Isaiah 46:3-4

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I poured over these verses last night. Because sometimes my own desires are vain, and I feel the vanity is what needs to be addressed. Sometimes I feel selfish for focusing just on myself. I am then reminded that God himself makes a point to focus on me. And that taking some time to wrestle with myself and with God could be worth it. It definitely was. 

The current issue is my housing situation for next year. It just seems so human and trivial to say that. To be so concerned about that. And if it were truly all about my desire to upgrade my surroundings next semester, my mulling over it would be pointless. But so much rides on my housing-- my friends. my finances. fears. faith. Last night when I called mom for our housing phone date, I had a whole list of pros and cons for moving off campus. The greatest, most precious pro is the group of girls who I would move with, who will go without me. These girls are my chiclets. We've formed, stormed, and performed together (that's a reference to a SYE-GOLD meeting where we learn all about community and group situations... woot). We've laughed and cried and hugged and yelled. We're tight. 

But moving off campus raises all sorts of concern about security. Not just my own personal, physical safety, but also the financial stretch it would be to invest in an apartment. I currently have no job and no car (not here and not at home) with the first wave of student loans coming due this fall. Of course, I have the support of parents who have every intention of paying for my education. That dedication never ceases to bless me. I know that not everyone is so comforted by that assurance and I do, too often, take that for granted. But to ask, on top of school, that they pay for me to take a rather luxurious step towards independence when every other factor of my life is still pretty dependent on them is unfair. Especially given our current debt situation. What amazes me is that even up to last night they were willing to stretch as far as to let me bring a car from home next semester and share a car between them in order that I could live off campus and work for the payments, if I felt like it was what I should do. If I felt I was absolutely ready to take on that responsibility. If I felt like it's what God would have for me. But there was such an unsettlement in me to think about taking that huge leap, taking on so much for myself and asking so much of my parents. And making it all sound better by saying I felt it's what God would want. 

After hearing my mom sob on the phone, as I stared into my medicine cabinet mirror at my own tears, I just couldn't believe God would have my parents sacrifice so much for something that, essentially, would only end up blessing me. It is just not worth it. There is so much else to invest in. And being bound by contract off campus would tie my hands in regards to finding ways to serve because I know I would feel so financially stuck. I would rather live on campus and have some left over to give than live off campus and live with knowing that I've taken it all for myself. Disregarding physical money, I know I would feel spent.

This is not the same situation for the other girls and I want to say for the record how thrilled I am for them. Moving off campus makes so much sense. It is fun, it is financially plausible, and it is a much needed change in atmosphere. I understand that for them and so look forward to parties and study dates and movies and cooking them dinner in their kitchen. Living there in an entirely different sense of the word. I may not reside at the girls' apartment, and while I can't say that life wont be so, so fun with my possible new roommate, Katie, the time I spend with those three lovely ladies in their quarters will also be truly lived. I will miss being Noelle's roommate. I will miss hearing her be clumsy and watching her struggle with putting together an outfit, and deciding to spend the afternoon watching a movie for the sake of a shared case of the Wednesdays, and getting messages on the mirror, and watching her go through the refrigerator trying to throw things out, and doing laundry together to make it so much more fun. I will miss Big D walking in wanting to watch Fetch (a ridiculous kid's show that we tivo, or tivoed before it went nuts this semester... different story) or leaving me crazy messages on the door from "Dwight" or reading me some C.S. Lewis. I will miss (and already do miss) my Dina hugs or her coming in proclaiming that she just wants to debate something or watching Grey's as she makes her frustrations and predictions known out loud or sitting next to her as something Kelly does on the office carries an uncanny resemblance to Dina's attitude/demeanor. In so many ways sticking with these girls feels like the really emotionally safe option, because we work together. 

But, you know, God works it all together. I believe that, and I claimed it over and over again last night. Because as I do what tangibly makes sense right now, I want it to make sense in the long run. The only way I am guaranteed that is if I entrust all of this to Him now. If I do my best to make sure that this is all in accordance with His will. The indications he has given me over the past 24 hours all point to that this is undoubtedly the path He wants me on. And I am psyched! This time yesterday I was so broken. Because not only was living off campus called into question, my even being in Virginia was questioned. It is not easy to be here. I mean day to day it feels pretty easy and I go about generally oblivious to what it costs to be here. But as my mom cries on the other end of a 1,000 mile long phone call because she is paying,  more than what is comfortable, to miss me, I am reminded that being here is more than a fulfillment of God's will and purpose for my life. In earthly terms, it is a luxury to be here. A luxury my parents are willing to fund because they believe in a God-given dream and a vision for my life and would give anything to help me find it. That is the luxury here. And I would feel just as blessed to have that and be going to UALR than to have all the money in the world to go to UMW and not feel that support from my parents.