This Thing Is From Me

"This thing is from me." -I Kings 12:24

As soon as I finished talking to Katie on the phone today, Sam came in and told me he just read an exceptional devotion. That sometimes devotions are just okay, and sometimes cheesy-- especially when they are written as letters from God. But that this one seemed to apply not just to him at that moment, but for any other circumstance coming his way. A good reminder for today. A good reminder for always.

Any circumstance. It is a gorgeous day outside. This time last week the temperature was in the teens-- now it is 59 degrees. Really just perfect. I told Katie it makes me want to just go to a park and take pictures. On top of this, it has been a great day of classes. I understand everything that is going on, I have the perfect opportunity to get ahead on some assignments, my presentation went well. A good day. And even if these things weren't going so well-- if it were icing, if the heater was broken, if my presentation bombed, if I felt behind in all areas academic-- I could at least bank on that I have a wonderful family of 5 at home who love me, who pray for me. Who I could call. Who I could see in the flesh if I really, really needed it. How I take that for granted. Especially on this, a great day. 

Even if I didn't have that family, with each of its members, God would still be asking me to rely on his grace. He would still be sufficient. He would be faithful. I am absolutely certain He hasn't taught me all He's going to about these attributes. I continue to struggle to really rely on Him, because on the surface it seems I don't need Him. It's far from the truth. But sometimes it sure feels like life is just fine. Especially because I have that family at home to fall back on.  

Some people will struggle to rely on Him in a completely different way. Because some people have families with not all of their members here. In light of that fact, His grace, sufficiency, and faithfulness seem hard to grasp. Life for them isn't going just fine. It hurts. It stings. As time passes and is marked, the pain is still there. For these people, some of whom are my friends, I am absolutely certain of one thing: He hasn't taught you all He's going to about those attributes. I can't even know what it is like. I grieve alongside you as best I can, I try to understand. But I think it only really does you justice if I just admit I have no clue. Only a love like Christ's could reach across the spectrum between our situations and bond us. Circumstances change, but Christ will go to each one. 

Any circumstance. Three years ago I was sitting in Chemistry. A junior in high school, not giving a care in the world about the structural makeup of such and such element. Mostly concerned with 24 and "where is the love." It was a new semester, the last for a bunch of my friends. One of whom decided singing Celine Dion's All By Myself at least every other day would be a comical way to ring in my senior year of solitude. I was excited for this batch of friends, happily chronicling their year in Little Rock Christian's yearbook, for which I was acting as editor (or more casually "Chief"). Katie had spent the night with me Tuesday night-- uncharacteristic of a school night. But the SCC Women's Ministry was having a surprise birthday party for my mom and Katie ended up instrumental in the cover. For me, the excitement of the night conveniently drowned out any real apprehension I had about Katie's dad's health. I knew he had gotten really sick, but from a wound infection after he fell from a delivery truck? Surely this would heal. I had this understanding that it as critical at the moment, but something he would definitely come out of. I knew Katie was anxious about it, but again, I was sure everything would be alright. So I did the only thing I knew to do-- keep her mind off of it. I'm not sure it was ever really working, but I gave it a valiant effort. She was welcome to spend Wednesday night with us, but I think someone insisted she spend the night at home. She had conflicting thoughts about that because hospitals are and weren't her thing and if she left she would undoubtedly end back up at the hospital. So I didn't see her Wednesday. Somehow I got word that Frank was having some more complications. Something else he'll pull through. 

But on Thursday, when Mrs. Napoli got over the speaker to Salmon's room (where I was spacing out during chemistry) saying "someone is here to see Sadie" I was quickly jolted from my assurance. Even more devastating was turning the corner into the foyer of the high school to find Charles Chamblee. I'd never had one of those police/pastor moments, where their presence implies tragedy. It was weird to fear seeing such a good family friend. Even more awful was what I feared. Sadie they aren't sure how much longer Frank Harrison has. 

I knew from his demeanor that it was coming. He offered to drive me up to the hospital after school. All I could say was okay. Nothing would sink in. Who says "yeah, okay" and goes back to class when they hear that their best friend's dad is near death? I was never given the time to understand the gravity and pray for a miracle. I was sure up until 1:00 that day. And in the time I had after Charles left, I couldn't get the weight to hit. I wrote on my worksheet "I can't believe this is happening." I was a totally new kind of spaced out. Autopilot told me to get up and go to French for my last period of the day. But when I got there, I excused myself in order to go sit outside of the High School and wait on Charles. I wanted to grasp what was going on, and I couldn't do that with Garrick and Holly arguing over the possibility of her identity being stolen because she couldn't find her credit card (just so you know, her credit card was stolen, but Holly Douglas as we know her is alive and herself as always). I sat where we usually ate lunch and whispered "God, what is happening?" I then saw a mass exodus of senior girls coming from the gym, all teary, and I assumed they all knew. Then I realized it was so serious that the faculty felt it necessary to let everyone know and I panicked. It was no longer intimate information between my immediate friends. I felt like the ground was evened out and someone like Whitney Smith knew how Katie was doing just as well as I did. I wanted to get in touch with my friend, know how she was doing. Then again, I knew I wouldn't like how she was doing. I was not sure I could handle it. And when she came up to the school herself to get work and see her mentors, I sure enough couldn't. I cried. At school. Where you're supposed to be put together. Dressed well. Look nice. Have friends. Get the grade. With any luck, be cool. Not now. I was broken. Tears spilled while I looked on as Katie hugged first Mrs. Walker, then Mrs. Quay, then everyone who made up the group hug around her. I didn't know my place. I wanted to hug her, let her know of my support, but did she need one more person crowding her, examining how she was feeling and what she was thinking? I hoped she already knew of my love and support and that she could see how heavy it was on my heart as well. She left with Mrs. Walker (who bribed her with a ride in the mustang), then Charles came to drive me and some others to the hospital. I can't even remember who else was in the car. Jesus was. And I silently pleaded with him to go with us into that building-- to guide our hearts through this rush of grief. I remember so much about the time in the hospital. I remember laughing, even. Marla had gotten Katie a ridiculous frog, which was so fun. Also, a princess cake. They were symbolic, at least to me, of the collective love for Katie that we all wanted her to know that day and in days to come. There was some joke made about vending machines. Random memories. But I vividly remember having to be told to go give Katie a hug. Told by Katie. Again I hadn't been part of the group hug because I didn't want to storm her. So when everyone was done hugging (at least for that round of hugs), I went over (I learned from all of this that group hugs in this type of situation are always, always a yes). 

The days that followed are a real blur. Some points are extremely vivid, others just lost to grief mixed in with the fact that I had to go about life while my friend grieved with all of hers. To an extent, life has been like this ever since. Certainly it is less exaggerated as time passes, but it is still a grief I cannot know. 

Circumstances. To go from sure to so totally lost in an instant. That day taught me so much about changing circumstances. I mean, I still hate chemistry. I still like 24. I still photodocument the mess out of my friends. I still break out into "Where is the Love" and am transported to a time of upheaval in my group of closest friends. Katie still haunts me with her rendition of "All By Myself" and it is still, surprisingly, relevant. Yet so much has changed since then. And He is using it all. For me. For Katie. For Him. 

The last time I saw Frank Harrison I was sitting in Katie's room while she was peeing (hey, just being honest). My head was down (no, not from shock of how messy her room still was, I think it was a people magazine :)) and since we could basically be sisters (and are) and look so much alike, he mistook me for her. (Katie, what did he call you? I can't remember the pet name he used, but it was distinctly for you). He said, "Hey (insert the name he used for you here)" and then immediately, "woah. You're not (again insert the name)!" I miss what it was like to laugh just because he was there. Remember when he kept making fun of 24 when we watched at your house, Katie? Just funny. 

The words I hate it for you seem so inadequate and sarcastic. At the same time it's all I can come up with. I hate it with you, friend. Not as often, not as deeply, not the same, because I am not his daughter-- but I do hate it along with you. I pray for you today as time is marked, and every other day as it passes. You are a joy to know and I thank you for taking us along with you. I love you. 

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THIS THING IS FROM ME by Laura Barter Snow

My child, I have a message for you today; let me whisper it in your ear, that it may gild with glory any storm clouds which may arise and smooth the rough places upon which you may have to tread. It is short, only five words, but let them sink into your soul and use them as a pillow upon which to rest your weary head.

Have you ever thought of it, that all that concerns you, concerns me, too? For "he that toucheth you, toucheth the apple of Mine eye." Zechariah 2:8. "You are very precious in My sight." Isaiah 43:4. Therefore, it is My special delight to educate you.

I would have you learn when temptations assail you, and the "enemy comes in like a flood" that this thing is from Me, that your weakness needs My might, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you.

Are you in difficult circumstances, surrounded by people who do not understand you, who never consult your taste, who put you in the background? This thing is from Me. I am the God of circumstances. "Thou earnest not to thy place by accident, it is the very place God meant for thee." Have you not asked to be made humble? See, then, I have placed you in the very school where this lesson is taught; your surroundings and companions are only working out My will.

Are you in money difficulties? Is it hard to make both ends meet? This thing is from Me, for I am your purse-bearer, and would have you draw from, and depend upon Me. My supplies are limitless. Philippians 4:19. 1 would have you prove My promises. Let it not be said of you, "in this thing ye did not believe the Lord your God." Deuteronomy 1:32.

Are you passing through a night of sorrow? This thing is from Me. I am the "Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." I have let earthly comforters fail you, that by turning to Me you may obtain everlasting consolation. 11 Thessalonians 2:16-17,

Has some friend disappointed you? Was it one to whom you poured out your heart? This thing is from Me. I have allowed this disappointment to come that you may learn that: The best friend to have is Jesus, He will hear you when you call, He will keep you lest you fall. The best friend to have is Jesus.

I want to be your confidant. Has someone repeated things about you that are untrue? Leave them to Me, and draw closer. unto Me, thy shelter, out of reach of "the strife of tongues." For "I will bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday." Psalm 37:6.

Have your plans been all upset? Are you bowed down and weary? This thing is from Me. You made your plans, then came asking Me to bless them, but I would have you let Me plan for you and then I take the responsibility, for "This thing is too heavy for thee, thou art not able to perform it thyself alone." Exodus 18:18. You are only an instrument, not an agent.

Have you longed to do some great work toy Me, and instead been laid aside on a bed of pain and weakness? This thing is from Me. I could not get your attention in your busy days, and I want to teach you some of My deeper lessons. "They also serve who only stand and wait." I want you to learn to sing:

I am not eager, bold or strong, All that is past;

I am ready not to do, At last; at last!

Some of My greatest workers are those shut out from active service, that they may learn to wield the weapon of all-prayer.

Are you suddenly called upon to occupy a difficult and responsible position? Launch out on Me- I am trusting you with the "possession of difficulties," and "for this thing the Lord thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto." Deuteronomy 15;10.

This day I place in your hand this pot of holy oil; make use of it freely, My child. Let every circumstance as it arises, every word that pains you, every interruption that would make you impatient, every revelation of your own weakness, be annointed with it. The sting will go as you learn to see Me in all things. Therefore, "Set your hearts unto all the words which I testify among you this day . . . for it is not a vain thing for you; because it is your life, and through this thing ye shall prolong your days in the land." Deuteronomy 32:46-47.