Twenty Something(s)

Like I said, not really feeling the old and wise thing.

I do feel twenty, though. With responsibilities and what not. When you're ten you don't really look forward to twenty. But turning twenty makes me wonder where I'll be at thirty. How will I have grown? What will I have learned? Will I even make it there? After all, it isn't promised.

Which adds a little urgency to twenty. I've been getting the typical "you're twenty, you have your whole life ahead of you." Do I? Who am I to say? What I have is today.

Which is not to say "go crazy!"

In Paul's words, "'Everything is permissible'--but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible'-- but not everything is constructive." (I Corinthians 10:23)

Sadie, it's your birthday, it's all about you.

"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." (I Corinthians 10:24)

And while I love the sentiment behind others trying to make the day about me, it is uncomfortable having it be all about me when others are having a hard time.

The conclusion I have reached on this my 20th birthday is this: I'm just not attached to this life.

I mean, I love it. I don't want to leave it any time soon. And I am so thankful for the chance to celebrate my time in it. But I have a Father neither bound by nor defined in terms of time. A God who decides how long I'm here and for what purpose. Talk about "you're twenty, you're free!" It is incredibly freeing to me to know that I'm not in charge of those things. I'm

responsible for using the time I have wisely, sure. But it's not up to me to decide how much

time that is.

"Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in body we are away from the Lord. we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it." (2 Corinthians 5:5-9)

So when I say I'm not attached to this life, it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the gifts or the company or the general outpouring of love to me. It doesn't mean I'm itching to get away. It just means that this life I have, it's not about me. I try to live it full and well.

To go on morning bike rides.

To wear a helmet for safety.

To sip tea and munch scones with a dear friend.

To read books and be educated.

To happen upon the boy's picnic and crash it.

To bake cakes and savor smells.

To lick the beaters and offer the spatula to others.

To wear a redicalous birthday hat as a joke.

To soak up the presence of sweet company at dinner.

To sing (yell) at the top of my lungs on a delightfully spontaneous road trip.

To look over the moonlit water and up at the sky and stand in awe.

To appreciate sanitation even in its most basic form.

To blow out the candles on another year with my Rooms.

But ultimately the goal is to please the God who grants my every breath. Fitting, I think.

The pessimist would say I'm one year closer to death. I say so what.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day... what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16, 18)

With that in mind, I wander into the land of twenty somethings. But 'cept for I wont be the "something" for yet another year. In lieu of this I've come up with twenty somethings I've learned in my life thus lived. Moving somewhat chronologically.

1. Sometimes you've got to just entertain yourself. The story goes that I could sit in my crib and watch my hands for hours. And from those stories I've gleaned that life isn't always about being entertained, but sometimes about using what you have and squeeze some fun out.

2. While it is good to keep a relaxed schedule, sometimes it is just time to go. Sometimes being rushed is necessary to get things done. There are places to go, people to see, things to do. Apparently when I was this age I didn't quite get why rushing was necessary and would go fetal position if Mom got authoritative about getting things done quickly. She raised her voice, I cried, fearing I was letting her down. But now I know that my time frame is not the same as others, and often times that means speeding mine up.

3. Smearing Mom's makeup all over your face is not a good idea. Simple. A good pair of shoes? Always a good idea.

4. It is rude to hide behind your parents legs when someone says hello. Sometimes you've got to give up what feels comfortable to you in order to be polite and sensitive to someone else.

5. My God is so great so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do (or at least I taught my 5 year old sunday school kids that this weekend.)

I also found this picture and need to include that I was 5 on my first trip to D.C. One might say this is when the fascination began. But who can really say?

Consequently, I still have the love for babies, too. Dad, on the other hand, does not have that hair.

6. Tests don't have to be scary. My first spelling test TERRIFIED me. I learned that tests were about the assessment, not necessarily the grade. Though I'm not sure they used those terms to explain this principle to a 6 year old.

7. While I was not a coordinated person even in my physical prime (basically failed gymnastics), I loved to play anything outside. An appreciation for the power of fresh air, if you will.

8. My teacher used to tell us on a bad day that she was "on her last nerve." What that meant was that we had to be quiet and wait until lunch. There was nothing else we could do to help. Being quiet as a way to fix things stuck with me.

9. I was class president. Little quiet me. So in hindsight I guess I learned that the meek follower can (maybe should) also have something important to say. Whether or not they always express it, having the opinion is important.

10. I learned I like to write and could use it as a creative outlet.

11. I got to shave for the first time and distinctly remember my mother telling me that I had to clear the hair from the tub. Is that gross? Well now every time I get out of the tub I consciously check to make sure my hair is gone. In a small way that taught me to show some consideration.

P.S. On a vain note, it is a good thing I got to shave my legs because let's be honest, there wasn't much else going on for my look at the time.

12. My friends all moved away and all my mom's friends were either ten years younger, really sick or moved off. What I learned was that sometimes Satan takes what Go

d could use as alone time with Him and makes it a lonely time. I also learned not to let him.

13. Emily taught me to pluck my eyebrows. Bless her.

This woman picked me up from school one day (read: she was not some random woman, her name is Yvette and I knew her prior to the being picked up from school) and we went shopping. Sometime during this, I remember quite vividly, she told me not to change. I mean, change is unavoidable, so yeah, change. But something about being told I didn't need to be anything more than I was at that moment, as immature 13 year old me, was so contrary to what I assumed was expected of me. I didn't have to be prettier or less awkward or more mature or have more friends. I was loved like that. Of course I knew my family felt that way. But to have the youth group leader I admired so much say so was memorable. It wasn't just about feeling accepted by Yvette, it was about feeling loved by God.

(this is not me at 13, obviously)

14. I didn't really wear a lot of make up, but I abided by the tried and true advice of my grandmother, "you need a little color"* to get by in the looks department.

* put some lipstick/gloss on

During the Summer of 2004 I went on a mission trip to Greece with Saddle Creek. It was my first international trip and fascinating to see the places mentioned throughout the bible. Spiritually, it was hard on me. I learned on the trip that, due to no fault of any one of the God-given personalities within the group, people can just let you down. It's natural and it was a good realization to come to, the knowledge that service is done first and foremost to and through God.

Emily graduated and I became, for all intents and purposes an only child (on the weekdays). The paradigm completely shifted and go-with-the-flow me was made the automatic center of attention. I think getting used to this prepared me to be, out of necessity, a generally more outgoing person.

15. Having been on two mission trips with the Calvary Baptist Youth group, I developed a rather lovely group of friends... no small feat for a girl who at 11 proclaimed to be just fine going through life without a group of "spend the night friends." With the addition of these fine, Godly ladies came the end of the "alone but not lonely" phase of my life and a new, if tiny, understanding of the providence of God.

16. Technically I learned a lot of things about driving.

From Mom, Lock and Load.

From Luke, always turn on the lights when driving.

From Dad, always use the parking brake.

From Emily, basically just don't get caught (she's good at this trade).

I also started babysitting pretty much full time on weeknights, which was exciting given that all of my life I fantasized about this ability.

17. Senior year. What's not to learn? I learned to appreciate differences within my class and find common ground with most everyone. This developed into completely new, exciting, fun relationships with people I honestly only ever dreamed about being friends with. It also led to being placed on homecoming court, an unexpected delight to this loner.

I contemplated a lot about my future, but spent most nights soaking up family time.

I grew close to a basically new Saddle Creek Youth group.

I went on a mission trip to Brazil which opened my eyes to how blessed I am versus how much I actually need in order to be content.

18. I left home and learned to make a completely new one 1000 miles away. Something I never thought I could do, even (especially) when I got here. It felt like it just happened. But I know better than that. I began to feel like I better understand what it means to be carried by the prayers of others and felt challenged to grow in my own prayer life. I still feel that and it's not something I have a good grasp on. But in reflecting on this year, the importance of prayer is dramatically obvious to me. If getting me out of my comfort zone is what God was trying to do by bringing me to Virginia, then he definitely accomplished that and I've learned so much. At the same time, He plopped me right down into a new kind of comfortable-- a time to come to terms with my independence and responsibility as he teaches me what it means to do relationships and hard work. With His help available all the while.

19. In the words of one of my 5 year old sunday school kids, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit."It's been a year of learning what it means to rely on God. In every small thing I've offered as a burden and sacrifice to Him, God has shown me that he is faithful and can be trusted. And that's in what little I've surrendered.

And so, in approaching the twenty somethings, I'm becoming more and more aware of how God has been working in my life to mold me into something, someone, who He can use. As time goes on, the more I want to let Him. The more anxious I am to know how He'll do it. Because there seem to be a thousand tiny little things that have to fall in place for my ideal adulthood to take place-- so much out of my control and over my head.

He leans down to wipe my anxious tears and says Sadie, I'll give you much better than your ideal. I'll give you mine, if you'll let me.

I've only gotten thus far because of what I have given over to God and I'll only go so far as whatever I'm willing to give up in the future.

I don't have to be old and wise. I don't need to be young and carefree. Because ultimately, it's not about me.

That is the one something I know about being twenty.