When I Grow Up

I'm old. Older, at least. Two decades of old. No longer a teenager.

I feel like a spring chicken, though. And what's more, I still feel young. Little even. Little in the face of this big world. Appropriate, I guess.

Want to know something strange? I wasn't really cut out to be a teenager, I don't think. I mean, there's no way to avoid it, glad I did it, don't regret it, never disliked it. But the stereotypes-- the rebellious, hormonal, emotional, moody, stuck up, talking back, discontented, disrespectful, insecure, disastrous years? I dreaded those when I turned 13 and never quite believed them. Of course I had my moods. Of course I felt insecure. And man, did I do things wrong. It's not that I felt I was none of those things, how great am I. I just never felt bound in those things.

Part of what's hard about being a teenager is that you know how people expect you to act (see above). And for the most part I spent most of my days hoping I could do better than that. I didn't always do better than the stereotypes, but I knew there was a bigger picture. I wouldn't be a teen forever, I didn't feel the need to assert my independence. Because I believed authority wasn't in my life to make me miserable. And because I knew independence would come sooner rather than later. And it has crept up rather soon, let me tell you.

I wasn't a good "teenager." Mostly for cuz I wasn't in a hurry. I knew I wasn't going to grow up overnight, so I didn't act like I had. I did, however, decide to patiently await the day I would be "grown up."

You know, when there was more to life than which boy noticed you in which outfit, when your parents not letting you go to such and such activity wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, when I could babysit regularly, when I could be peers with my siblings, when I could be friends with my parents, when I could have a friend over whenever, when I could use the knowledge it was taking all my time to learn, when I could make my own money, when I could have a better grasp on my faith and what it means to love Jesus and worship God, when the pressure would be off to be either a "good" or "bad" teen, when people would no longer have to speculate how you would "turn out." If anything, I didn't feel bound in the stereotypes, I just felt bound by those stereotypes-- bound by that age range.

So, in some ways I feel grown up. In other ways I feel like I've just taken baby steps.

I think that might happen every year. Perhaps it's best that way. I'm glad I had the time to be an "almost" adult under a lot of protection. A trial and error process, if you will. I still feel that protection in a lot of areas in my life, but I'm also learning to let go of them little by little.

Still knowing all the while that I will have all the protection I need. I have an always present God. I have hope.

Maybe that's the best thing being a teenager taught me.

Yeah, I'd say so.

It will, no doubt, be the best thing being a "grown up" will continue to teach me.