Tired

This is about the 4th consecutive day that I've gotten 4 1/2 hours of sleep (or less) the night before. The general reaction to this is to say "Oh, Sadie, what are you doing, that is so crazy, why are you up so late?"

For me, 2 a.m. has never really been that late. I'm just a night person like that. I'm all over the night life scene, as you well know*. So at the time it doesn't occur to me that there will be repercussions in the morning. The 8 a.m. morning. At the same time, it's not much different from this summer when I would go to bed at midnight (or much later, let's not tell lies) and wake up for work at 6. Except for now I stay up to do way more productive things. Like homework or talking things through with a friend or doing homework because I spent the early evening talking to friends.

Jill told me to learn to say no to friends, do my work and go to bed. I appreciate that she said it, because the truth is that often I feel bad telling people that my plan for the night is to do some work and hit the sack. It is good to know that it's not a bad move.

And while I'm used to staying up late and functioning quite well the next day, I cannot be so disillusioned as to believe that the lack of sleep doesn't have some effect on my mood. Perhaps a little more sleep would make me a better everything the next day. Or is that giving sleep too much credit? Because here's the thing, right now the staying up late has a purpose. Those morning hours are quiet and still and comforting to be in. If someone is around, there is uninterrupted conversation with time to sort through thoughts and feelings. It's doing me a world of good. Because I am tired.

I am not sleepy. I'm tired.

The act of balancing what other people expect of me as a friend, as a co-BCMer, as a student, etc. is just taxing. And it leaves little room for considering what God expects of me as a daughter, a co-heir of Christ. So then I feel as if I should also carve out time with Him, as something more to do and that is incredibly frustrating because He doesn't just want my time, He wants my life. He wants it all. And mostly I feel like He wants me to give up the anxiety of what other people expect of me and the guilt of not meeting those expectations because what He expects of me is far more, far better, far more constructive than peer or academic pressure. He can relieve me of the guilt and the frustration. His expectation of me is not about what else I need to do as so much simply recognizing and responding to what He has already done. My response to His expectation isn't going to involve guilt or frustration, it entails joy and change.

Change that I clearly need because I am tired.

I stay up talking to this person and that, appreciating that they hear my thoughts and can offer many of their own. It's a built in burden sharing system that I love about fellowship. Ah, but it's not the solution. My worry doesn't go away because I've put it on such and such's shoulder and they're carrying it for me. I can't expect another person to do that for me. It's good to share what's going on in my heart, but in the end, it's not their problem. And its selfish to ask them to take it on.

But I know who can do it for me. Who wants to do it for me. Who not only hears about my frustration and anxiety but can actually help take it away. For good. Not just offer up some advice about it or say I know how you're feeling (though He does). He actually has the power to take it away. A God who long ago decided that my burdens were His problem and sent His Son to take them on. Why waste that opportunity by asking other people, merely people, to shoulder my cares? I mean I want my friends to know what I care about and how I'm feeling. If anything, I'm too open about my thoughts. But the solution doesn't ride with them. In the end, if something is bothering me and I've talked about it, I still go to bed at night bothered. Not because I want to but because in sharing my opinion I can't expect another person to do something about it. Theoretically only I can do something about it. Even then I know better than to think that a solution lies within me. In reality, only God can do something about it.

Or so I'm finding out.

When I'm up late and letting Him. Do something about my heart, that is.

And when I ask God to double the energy of a four hour night's sleep because I believe He was on to something that I just couldn't go to sleep in the middle of, He has. I should've had two quizzes in my 8 a.m.s this week, which got cancelled for one reason or another. I'm not saying God cancelled some quizzes because I didn't feel prepared or rested. But it has acted as confirmation to me that yeah, Sadie, it's not all about your sleep. If you're tired of something, if you want to make a change, if you want God to move in your life then you've got to put in the time to ask Him for just that. The rest either "works out" or pales in comparison to a deepening understanding of what it is to let God take on my cares.

I know at some point I'm just going to have to get more sleep and be responsible in that regard. But for now, being sleepy beats being tired's hind tail. Rest He can grant. He can't take the burden I'm tired of until I give it up. So I'm learning to trust Him for both. I'm convinced that not only will He take my initial burden, but that if I'm faithful to stilling myself, He'll show me how to go about remedying the situation. Confident, because He sent His Son to be able to do so. That's just cool to me. I want to be authentic in believing it, not just saying it because I feel like it is what I should say.

Mostly, I know it is stupid to be caught up in my own insecurities and anxieties when life is about so much more than suffering through it. I don't think I "suffer" through work for Jesus, as is a common motivator. The point of Jesus suffering (dying) was so that I wouldn't have to hang on to unnecessary burdens like insecurities and trivial, if necessary, work.

People sit and listen to your fears and failures and hurt and drama often thinking "just get over it." But they won't say it because they know it's not constructive, that you can't just not feel what you're feeling. That it would probably just hurt your feelings. And if it were all up to you, in your own strength, that would make sense. I feel like the cool thing about being a Christian, though, is that we can tell a struggling brother or sister that we do have the capacity to get over our fears, failures, hurt and drama. We can say "just get over it" because their issues have so much less to do with their own weakness as so much an opportunity for God to work with His strength. And we've got to learn to get over it, or rather to give it over because if we don't, where's the hope in that? Where is the joy and the change? How then, if we insist on taking on our own burdens, is Jesus' love working in us? How is He able to show it to us and through us if we're intent upon fixing things ourselves? And how in the world am I supposed to be intentional and sincere about loving other people if I'm not letting the love of Jesus-- the real, authentic, life changing love-- work in me to relieve my anxiety or guilt or what not? I want it to be okay that I'm feeling those things when I'm in a certain place or around certain people. Because it's got to be okay for me to feel those things deeply before I'm able to feel God deeply. And before I'm able to share Him deeply.

I'm tired of feeling like it's not okay for me to feel those things in the first place. It is.

It's natural. It's human.

What I crave is the ability to feel those things and then have sincere, honest people tell me Sadie, there is a way to get over it. Just quiet yourself. Whisper. Don't make Jesus talk over you, because He can silence you. Or you can just listen. Listen and let Him have it. It's okay to feel those things, it's okay to feel powerless within your own ability to stop those feelings. But you have a Way.

It's sacrifice. It's Jesus.

It's nice to have that in a group of people around me. But the truth is that such an understanding is not contingent on people telling me.

It's astounding that I have a God who would love for me, his creation, to hear Him say those things. Aside from whatever comfort I find in the counsel of the friends around me.

He doesn't have a bad day, He's not tired. And He sure as anything is not sleepy.

Today I had a break between my 8 a.m. and my 11. So I biked back to my apartment and decided to take a nap. Recently I've decided that one of the best ways for me to be focused on God when I hit the pillow-- to talk to Him about life and practice supplication for my friends-- is to have a worship song playing in one headphone ear bud. One ear is for resting my head, the other hears a steady, constant reminder that God is listening, He is worthy to be praised, and He is ready and mighty to save. It made for a great nap, falling asleep thinking about God's sufficiency rather than my own to do list.

This is what I listened to. I didn't watch, I just listened.

Sweet Audrey-Girl from angie smith on Vimeo.

These are the words:

"I need words

As wide as sky

I need language large as

This longing inside

And I need a voice

Bigger than mine

And I need a song to sing You

That I’ve yet to find

I need You

Oh, I need You

I need You

Oh, I need You

To be here now

To be here now

To hear me now

To hear me now"

and then,

"When the storm is raging all around me

You are the peace that calms

My troubled sea

And the cares of this world

Darken my day

You are the light that shines

And shows me the way

Oh, the beauty of Your majesty

On the cross You showed Your love for me!

Beautiful Lord

Awesome and mighty

I’m captured by this love I see

Beautiful Lord

Tender and holy

Your mercy brings me to my knees

It’s Your mercy that has made me free

Beautiful Lord

When my sin is all that I can see

Your grace remains the shelter that I seek

And when my weakness is all I can give

Your gentle Spirit gives me strength again

And oh, the beauty of Your majesty

On the cross You showed Your love for me

Beautiful Lord

Awesome and mighty

I’m captured by this love I see

Beautiful Lord

Tender and holy

Your mercy brings me to my knees

It’s Your mercy that has made me free

Beautiful Lord

And I am lifted by Your love to sing

It’s Your mercy that has made me free

And I am lifted by Your love to sing!

It’s Your mercy that has made me free!

Oh, the beauty of Your majesty

On the cross You showed Your love for me!

Beautiful Lord

Awesome and mighty

I’m captured by this love I see

Beautiful Lord

Tender and holy

Your mercy brings me to my knees

It’s Your mercy that has made me free

Beautiful Lord

You’re beautiful, my Lord

You’re beautiful, my Lord"

I'm tired. And I'm ready to be captured by the love I see.

Thank you, God, for letting me see the love. A bit of it, at least. Mostly, thank you for being that love. I can't even grasp it.

*not really