Stream of Consciousness

On Tuesday, as I prepared to report to work at 6:30 a.m., I had a lot on my mind.

It wasn't really sparked by anything other than anticipating this trip to Cuzco-- I had an awesome Monday night and turns out Tuesday was really a fun day. Just a glimpse: Dad remembered to add me into the cup count for the coffee pot. And there was a street sign propped on the prep table at work. Like I said, good day.

It was 6:07 when I thought to myself, "maybe I should write some of this stuff down."

But there was no time. So. Like a dork (and like Felicity) I recorded myself speaking what I was feeling. (after all, I did just take a class in Oral History this year). Then I transcribed it and it remains a pretty accurate display of my thoughts going into this trip. For the past couple of weeks I've had all sorts of topics that I've considered writing about and never got around to it. My dictation starts with some of those:

Love and Sarah's wedding and more Addie and Huddy or Baby Truett or funny lyrics or my job or people that I love or Sarah's visit but most of it all comes down to a new recognition of all that I have.

And how much I have.

And I’ve become very aware of this as I pack for Peru, because as you pack to go to a third world country or at least a poor part of a city, in an orphanage, you're surprised at how much you don’t need. And I’m already preparing myself for a complete change of pace. I'm excited.

Because I think that another thing that all of the topics I mentioned come down to, and probably the fact that I haven’t blogged, indicates that there’s a complete lack of urgency in my life right now

Or that the urgency is on things that just aren’t as big a deal when you’re thinking of meeting people struggling every day for food and water and love.

Over here it’s urgent to look your prettiest, be the best, have the best clothes.

And then you go to this country and realize that what’s urgent is the need to be warm.

It's urgent to be clean and sanitary here.

There its just a feat to not have the next small disease that could take a life.

And I feel like I know what I’m going to encounter-- I’ve been to Brazil.

I know Brazil and Peru are two different countries and landscapes and cultures. But they have similar problems. And I don’t expect I get to fix them all in two weeks. But I have a God who’s very concerned with those problems and I’ll go and tell them about that God.

But not really with my words because I can’t

Here its urgent to keep people posted on the next greatest dramas in our lives and we use so many words to convey them. There I’ll just have to use a demeanor. I'll use my eyes and love them with my hands.

And what makes me really sad is what I really just though of was “that’s what she said” because that’s the cheap humor I settle for to keep my life happy and fun because that’s urgent here.

I’ll use my smile.

And I’ll have a heart ready to be broken for these kids. I suspect that when I come back, there’ll be a new sense of urgency in my life. Whereas before I’ve just been lazy, too busy, too--maybe even hurt-- to blog and choose the words to describe the same ole subjects, I have a feeling that when I get back from Peru, it will not be laziness or hurt keeping me from writing. It’ll just be a general speechlessness because I suspect that I’ll be convicted by my God who says, “Sadie, you should have been loving that way long before. Your life should’ve spoken to a different urgency long before.”

God provided this trip for me.

And I know He’s here. And He’s in the closet of Highway 10 fitness just the same as he is in Peru. But I just expect especially to meet Him there. And you can call it a high and I could already suspect that I’ll come down from it and stay pessimistic towards the mission trip mindset or I can choose to believe that He has something to show me there that He couldn’t here. That he can shake things up there the way he couldn’t here. Because I was too lazy or busy or hurt.

He can lay something on my heart there that maybe he couldn’t get through to me here.

I'll leave you with pictures from the last month of life, because it may be all I get the chance to say on the subjects. It has been so much fun, these times with these friends in this place, and I don't begrudge this life in the least.

But when I get back, different stories will be on my mind. I might be speechless, but I don't want to remain so about these kids. About Cuzco. About sweet Zaida. About Vicente and Stephane. Because in so many ways their lives are filled with the right kind of urgent.

But in other ways there is an urgency that is so not necessary. Urgency in a daily struggle to live.

Maybe I’m taking this whole trip too seriously. But I don’t think so.

I’m looking for a broken heart. I am anticipating the Spirit’s movement.

And maybe that’s the main difference between life here and what I expect to learn apart from it.