Happiest

Katie got me thinking about something in her recent post.

And then thinking about it more when we went to see Eat Pray Love tonight.

Life. A combination of the big picture and the little things.

There is a lot about true selves and real happiness and the like in Julia Roberts's latest flick. Taking adventures and shaking things up kind of stuff. She's looking for a way out of her life, a way to find perspective, so she goes traveling.

Here's my thing. Unlike the character Liz, I'm not looking for a way out of my life. But in my own personal ventures, I am finding that I am happiest when I am out of my comfort zone. I'm most drawn to people not like me. I feel for the people who don't have the love and support I was born into. I feel like they don't need my pity, but would most appreciate my understanding. And for some reason I think I have an extra dose of that understanding built into me (where doses of other things are missing, mind you).

Compassion. Without action is simply emotion.

See, I find myself most often trying to shake feelings of sympathy or squashing the courage I begin building to approach an issue. So ideas get put down in my mind before they come close to action.

It's not my fault the world is that way. It's their fault for not making something of themselves. I can't be blamed for being born into better circumstances. I'm not doing anything wrong here.

These are ways I try to drown out thoughts of actually helping things.

Excuses. They sound so terrible written in black and white because they are that terrible. They are a way of saying "no." And they sound fine and reasonable in my head, but written plainly like that I can see them for the sin that they are. Could there be anything more frustrating to God than a Christian prepared with excuses?

I don't know. I'm not Him.

Which is something that always comes back to surprise me when I can't come up with a way to help people and step out of my comfort zone on my own. All I can do is toss around a few ideas in my mind that never come close to fruition because by myself I can offer about as much as emotion.

Compassion, the kind that makes a difference, really is prompted by God-sized ideas and opportunities. Which I feel like He'd go ahead and offer me if I weren't so armed with reasons to say "no."

My family is here. I'm happy here. It's too hard to be depended on. I can't handle that. I'm young and dependent on support from home. It's not safe. I'm afraid.

Of what, Sadie?

Being happiest? Didn't you just admit you're happiest outside of your comfort zone?

Well, yes. Yes I did. What is that about?

But, Lord, there's nothing wrong with here. I don't do anything wrong here.

I've been reading Mark Batterson again lately and he reminded me yesterday that you can do nothing wrong with your life and still do nothing right.

For me the big picture is easy to see. I'm an idealist, after all, and we don't have a problem envisioning the way things should be. And it doesn't take up too much of my imagination to find a way that little things (even the big little things) can be reconciled to the eventual bigger, ideal picture.

I can go from little things to big picture and back to seeing big picture in little things faster than you can say "carpe deum." Things that have already happened? Well but of course they will add up to a number greater than the sum of the parts and a beautiful image will be made of the pieces.

But the future? It's harder for me to know how to make the little things add up to the big picture I'd like my life to end up looking like. Where to go from here to end up where I want to be? I like outside of the comfortable, but I don't want to be irresponsible. I love venturing off, but am very aware that I'm only able to do so because of the many ways my family supports me from home. Unlike Liz, I feel like the big picture perspective comes pretty easily to me-- it's the making it jive with decisions about my future or how I choose to treat people every day that perplexes me.

I'm good at the doing nothing wrong.

But what about the something right? What about the flourishing?

What if I mess something up? What if I make a mistake? What if I upset someone? It's like to me each little thing has to reflect the big picture (the ideal, if you will) and I'm so afraid of each piece not mirroring the perfection of the bigger picture-- the part where everything is redeemed and taken care of and harmonious-- that I cease to take advantage of my resources and well-wishing emotions to act with compassion.

I love different people. I love different places. I love that my God does not depend on my circumstances and I love the little bit of that theory that I've had the privilege to find tried and true. I know that He is big picture-- the redeemer, the provider, the giver of peace. And I'm determined to find Him in the little day-to-day of life around me.

What scares me is to turn around on my life and not see Him in the little things about my own life. Do the little things about my life point to redemption and care and peace beyond circumstance? Oh, God, I wish they would. That's what I'm concerned about.

And that is why I'm packing my bags and loading up my little red sports car sunfire on another little adventure to a place where the bigger picture seems to make its way into the every day with a little less interruption.

It's not about getting away from my life, it's about really getting into it.

And with graduation approaching the only real question on my mind is, "where to next?"