Want.

to be without or deficient in.

to wish, crave.

to fall short by (a specified amount).

In going through all the boxes of things piled in my Fayetteville room, I found my farewell note from the flirt of Cusco, Juan Carlos.

Sure he was sweet with many girls on our June 2010 trip, but he drew me in anime, so ours was true love.

(For the record, anime is my absolute best look.)

When expressing her desire for me to come and deal with all my junk (she put it in nicer terms), mom noted, "you've gone without the stuff in those boxes for months, you must have a lot in there you don't need."

More than you need, more than you need, more than you need.

It's like a broken record playing in my head, day in and day out. Except for it's not broken-- it's the truth. It's not some fluke on a record, it repeats for a reason.

I've always heard that the passage of the bible where Jesus commands the rich man to sell all of his possessions and give is not a chastisement of wealth, but really more of a warning. I've also heard that it isn't a direct command to every Christian, only really those who feel that call or whose wealthy living directly inhibits his or her ability obey Christ.

More than you need.

This is the part where I try telling myself that I'm not really that wealthy.

I tell myself that I know plenty of people with lots more money than this college grad who are perfectly lovely, obedient Christians.

This is where I try and crawl out of that box marked "felt called"-- the one that obligates me to the command first directed towards the rich young ruler.

obligate.

To bind, compel, or constrain by a social, legal, or moral tie.

Who wants obligation? For a long time, not me. I would see commercials and ads and, yes, blog posts with statistics like:

• Half the world - nearly 3 billion people - live on less than two dollars a day.
• 640 million have no adequate shelter
• 1 in 7 has no access to health services
• The richest 2% of the world's population own half of the world's wealth.

I'd see these and harden my heart to it all-- how dare they tug at feelings of moral duty or try to attack me for my social standing? How dare those people obligate me?

But the Lord is doing a number on that hardened heart. Partly through that broken record. Partly through making my peace with the fact that it is true, not everyone feels the burden of the call, and not everyone is obligated to the command. But mostly, he's accomplishing the softening of my heart in making it not an obligation at all.

Slowly, over time, it's turned into an invitation and I am eager for the approaching occasion.

invite.

To ask for the presence or participation of.

To attract.

The pangs aren't annoying feelings of duty or guilt.

I don't have to give up major aspects of my life here. I don't have to respond to statistics of hunger and poverty. I don't have to believe Christ and give out of what I've received from the Giver.

I want to.

want.

to be without or deficient in.

to wish, crave.
to fall short by (a specified amount).

I always thought "wanting for nothing" meant having more than enough. Yet I have more than I need and still want.

Poor little rich girl, right?

The label is just another resemblance to the rich young ruler.

Yes, I want in a way that increasingly makes life here feel like it falls short. A way that kinda stinks because, honestly, I love life here. I love living with my sister and celebrating birthdays altogether and babysitting my nephew when needed and nannying and surprising my parents with visits. What more could a girl want?

More than half the world dreams of a life like this.

More than you need. More than you need. More than you need.

Finding Juan Carlos's card earlier today sent me clicking through my flickr album of the Peru trip. Immediately I recalled the results of a dozen gifts inventories I've taken over the years. My strengths?

1.) Hospitality-- "the ability to meet the basic social needs of and to extend care to persons beyond ones immediate circle of friends."

2.) Helps/Service-- "the ability and overwhelming desire to aid persons in need. The ability to perform the most basic acts of kindness as a means to embody the gospel."

3.) Mercy-- "the ability to identify with and feel the pains and hurts of another person and the capacity to help that person move beyond those pains and hurts."

(A discussion of strengths is not complete without due regard to

weaknesses, which for me include:

1.) Administration-- "ability to organize resources and persons for effective ministry."

2.) Prophecy--"receive, reveal or interpret God's truth, publicly, no matter the risk or consequence."

3.) Leadership-- "understand ones own principles and vision to communicate those and to challenge others to move into the future").

It's my smile in the pictures that brings the gifts to mind. Is it any wonder the smile is brighter when I'm beyond my immediate circle, encountering admitted need, and concentrated on embodying the gospel?

"Overwhelming desire" is included in the description, for crying out loud. Lumiere is right. Life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving.

Unnerve.

To deprive of fortitude, strength, or firmness of purpose.

The truth is that I've never once had to talk myself into caring about the statistics and the pain.

I've just spent a long time trying to talk myself out of caring. I've done my best to harden my heart to it all because I am happy here.

The broken record shows back up and I feel like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, accosted by the taxi cab. "I'm GLIDING here!"

But the smile is out there-- the smile of a girl overwhelmed by the privilege of the invitation and the joy of humbling self to the occasion.

All of this is to say that this is the weirdest season.

I'm living happily, without want while living longingly, with great want.

Out of all the gifts to you, you shall present every contribution due to the LORD; from each its best part is to be dedicated.

Numbers 18:29