Short and Sweet

In the south, we don't have sweet or unsweet tea.

We have sweet tea unless otherwise specified.

And in that case, what you've ordered is aptly referred to as plain tea.

No need to sugar coat it. (I mean, you've made it clear you don't want sugar...)

It's just plain... plain.

But who doesn't love a plain Jane?

Personally I love the name Jane.

That's a different post.

For a time when I am in the general vicinity of needing to name a child.

Which is so not now.

And so that's exactly what He did

I guess the title makes more sense if you see my previous post.

I've been asking for a renewed sense of urgency from God. A connection. A need. A desperation.

The roots of the burden I'm feeling tonight have been around for some time. But the seeds of anxiety and fear I have sewn? I am now reaping them. What to do with it?

How do I stare school loans down in the face?

How do I find a responsible balance between knowing the burden and letting it go?

How do I honor the sacrifices being made for me?

How do I deal with the guilt? How do I enter the future?

Each of these questions lead to an unsettledness that I've lived with for a while. It shows up at different times with different intensities. But it is easy to shirk off when I look around and see most everything I could want, certainly everything I need. It all seems manageable and fine when I think of all that I have.

It seems scary and so humanly uncertain when I think of how quickly it could go.

Not like my life. I get the whole fleeting-ness of life and how quickly my breath could go.

But when it comes to the fleetingness of money, the temporariness of things, and the instability of health within this life, the situation begins to feel much more pressed.

And the more pressed I feel to the arms of God. Tonight I have felt and expressed the pressure unlike at any other time the unsettledness has reared its head. But tonight, for the first time, I confronted it. In the process, in a small but victorious way, I encountered once again the sovereignty of God's will. He's got a plan in all of this. In the fear and anxiety and feelings of anxiety, He's working something. And thank God that his ways are not mine.

Because then I would have one ball of emotions for a god.

So, with a tear stained face, I thank God for being more faithful to me than this helpless servant knows yet how to be to Him. As we sat in the dim light of our sunroom, Mom assured me that God hears the cries of our heart. He surely got quite the helping from us tonight. But this is my prayer, a Psalm (#86) that Mom brought to my attention earlier this week:

1 Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;

answer me, for I need your help.

² Protect me, for I am devoted to you.

Save me, for I serve you and trust you.

You are my God.

³ Be merciful to me, O Lord,

for I am calling on you constantly.

⁴ Give me happiness, O Lord,

for I give myself to you.

⁵ O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,

so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.

⁶ Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord;

hear my urgent cry.

⁷ I will call to you whenever I’m in trouble,

and you will answer me.

⁸ No pagan god is like you, O Lord.

None can do what you do!

⁹ All the nations you made

will come and bow before you, Lord;

they will praise your holy name.

¹⁰ For you are great and perform wonderful deeds.

You alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your ways, O Lord,

that I may live according to your truth!

Grant me purity of heart,

so that I may honor you.

¹² With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God.

I will give glory to your name forever,

¹³ for your love for me is very great.

You have rescued me from the depths of death.

¹⁴ O God, insolent people rise up against me;

a violent gang is trying to kill me.

You mean nothing to them.

¹⁵ But you, O Lord,

are a God of compassion and mercy,

slow to get angry

and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.

¹⁶ Look down and have mercy on me.

Give your strength to your servant;

save me, the son of your servant.

¹⁷ Send me a sign of your favor.

Then those who hate me will be put to shame,

for you, O Lord, help and comfort me.

If it's what it takes to praise Him, it's exactly what He'll do.

Or so I'm finding out.

Bring The Rain

so before lunch today we got a little stir crazy.

and by stir crazy, I mean just plain crazy.

and we thought to ourselves

what kind of trouble can we get into?

Will said, "i want to play in the sprinkler."

I said, "we can't, man, because it's raining."

then, a light bulb.

who needs a sprinkler when you have rain?

duh.

don't know why i didn't think of it sooner.

so i led the pack.

into the best sprinkler.

and I thought, bring me joy

bring me peace

bring the chance to be free

bring me anything that brings you glory

and i know there'll be days when this life brings me pain

but if that's what it takes to praise you

Jesus, bring the rain.

It was nice?!

And so our quest continues to become better educated olympic viewers. Who. is. pumped?

So here's the thing. I have identified the hater spoken of in this post. His name is Dick Button, if that rings a bell (which, if we were hard core fans, apparently would... we are on our way, friends). And I've 'bout decided that, even though he looks like the monopoly man, the commentator can say just about anything he wants. Here's why:

Really I just was thrilled about the opportunity to stick a for real history lesson up in here.

The good news is that Mr. Button cheered up a little by the 1984 Sarajevo Olympics. Anyone got a 20 on sarajavo, by the way? Sounds like somewhere Sydney Bristow would go, but I'm not sure what country it's in actually. I suppose I could google it like I have every other piece of information I'm giving you here. But then what would be the point of this community?

Twice in two minutes, Valova and Vasiliev get a "that was nice." I mean, I would hope so seeing as how this is the olympics and all. But it is apparently a high compliment coming from Dick. So they'll take it... and their gold. Thank them very much.

Right! Okay, statistics and story and all that. Their names are Elena Valova and Oleg Vasiliev and they were paired together in 1978 when she was 15, he was 18. They entered the olympics as the 1983 world champions (skating events happen in this order, beginning in January of any given year-- well the olympics, obviously, only on olympic years: skate America, skate Canada, Nationals, Europeans, Olympics, Worlds with exhibitions following each event). Both are from Leningrad (which becomes relevant in comparison to Gordeeva and Grinkov who represent Moscow and a different government sponsored sports club) and trained under the supervision of the Armed Forces Sports Society and career-long trainer Tamara Moskvina. They were engaged at the time of this performance and married later in 1984. They placed second (behind, well, we'll get there...) in the 1988 olympics and became the first amateur pairs to turn professional that year. Though they divorced in 1992, Valova and Vasiliev competed as professionals until 1995 (the year Sergei Grinkov...).

About the program: it was inspired by the Siege (or blockade) of Leningrad that started in 1941 and lasted for 872 days. It was the second deadliest blockade of a major city and required that coach Moskvina be evacuated to nearby mountains for her childhood, where she suffered from malnutrition. According to her, this program is about love and the struggle to maintain it during the trauma that was Leningrad (present day St. Petersburg). So that is why the music is so epic. Well, that and you gotta go big or go home to please Dick Button. And olympic judges.

as a side note: I feel like I enjoy the more obvious interpretation of love in Leningrad by the following routine of Savchenko and Szolkowy. It is aptly entitled "Leningrad" and was performed as the exhibition piece after they won gold in the 2008 World Championships. It is obvious that this team representing Germany is intent on paying tribute to the victims of German invasion during World War II. First Poland with the Schindler's List program, and now Russia. The history major in me thinks that is beautiful.

because it needed to be addressed: that was some seriously thin hair with a whole lot of hair spray.

How about a couple of more olympic hopefuls? Again, there was such a wide variety of pairs to choose from, with even more performances to sift through. It is a hard job, but someone has got to do it.

So I'm going with Zhang Dan and Zhang Hao (no relation). They were paired in China in 1997, when Dan was 12 and Hao, 14. I'm just saying I was obsessively watching 7th Heaven at that age. We'll blame communism. That was a complete joke. Laziness is the real culprit. They competed in the 2006 olympics, which is the program I picked to show you because I think it speaks the most about them. And even after... what happens... they wound up winning silver in Torino. Now they are the 2009 World silver medalists (after Savchenko and Szolkowy) and poised for a medal in Vancouver. So look out for them.

The girl straight got up and performed an entire long program after landing the highest, fastest jump on her left knee. Sandra Bezic was right, that is olympic spirit. Tragically I do not know their relationship status, as per you never really hear a whole lot about the private lives of chinese athletes.

I can say, however, that they are "nice."

Uncharted Territory

(Insert clever, cheesy photo of self driving into the unknown future here)

(check)

So the odds are kind of stacked up against this year. This school year.

Already.

a. no roommate

b. Arkie?

c. Rhonda's resignation

d. work load

e. la petite maison blanche

Only a short list. But you know what's weird? I am so excited to go back. Freshman year I totally didn't know what to expect, almost to the point of being scared. Last year I knew enough of what to expect to the point of dread. Not like any one thing was dreadful, but I knew the routine and was not exactly pumped to get back into it. The curveballs came anyway and I found out quick fast and in a hurry that I truly, ultimately had no idea what to expect.

So that's how I'm approaching this semester. Expecting a lot of things, but truly not knowing what to expect. It's going to be a new normal. We're all in such different places than we were when we began school. Which, I am finding, is not a bad thing. It just makes things, well, different. But we'll learn, as we always do, to adapt and have fun and be.

And I am thrilled. To live and learn. Emphasis on the learn. But really on the live.

It's uncharted territory, whatever is coming. A clean start. Not entirely detached from the journey we've traveled thus far, but distanced enough from the paved way that it's like starting over. We're beginning a new leg. How we do so, given the past, is entirely up to us, now.

I choose optimism and faith. I choose patience and trust. I choose communication and diligence. I expect rough, but I hope to see the ground paved smooth.

And I choose to rely on God in the process. Oh what a process it will be.

Though from where He's sitting, the territory is hardly daunting. You might even say it's charted.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8

Shall We?

This post might end up in the hands of some receptionist at a mental hospital because I'm sure it could come across as the thoughts of a suicidal person.

But consider them the thoughts of a woman who knows that her days are numbered.

Not really. There isn't like a diagnosis telling me this. Matter of a fact I received an oft-coveted clean bill of health last week. Sure, I get a little dizzy after a lot of physical exertion. The doc called it "common faint." I'm sure what she was trying to say, in nice words of course, was that I was just out of shape. Still, I recognize the gift that is being able to just jump on a treadmill and go as fast as it takes to get dizzy. So it appears that I really do have a long life ahead of me.

At the same time I am keenly aware that it is just an appearance.

Call the authorities because I'm having thoughts about death. And the fact that I could easily die in an accident on the way to church in the morning. If not me, then someone I love, which would shatter my life as I know it. I know, I know. Morbid. Which is why these thoughts do not control my life and they are not constant. But sometimes I appreciate a healthy dose of reality: this life is fleeting.

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." -James 4:13-14

So I might have misjudged my authority when I told you where I'd be on February 12. If I'm gone by then, promise me you'll watch it? Eh, what am I saying? I'll have you addicted for yourself by then. ;)

Where is all of this coming from, you ask? First of all, baby Isaac from this post had a skull fracture for the past couple of weeks. Most likely from knocking himself upside the head at the pool or with a toy. All it took for this situation to turn horribly wrong was a little swelling and too much fluid build up. Fragile. Then, baby Stellan went back to the hospital for a heart rate in the 250's (for perspective, at my cardio stress test at the hospital last week, the goal was to get me on the bike to raise my heart rate to a maximum of 200 bpm-- where my adult heart is at full capacity). Finally, my dad left for a business trip like he does every now and then on Thursday night and it made me think about how easily something could go wrong on that flight. Again, not overwhelming thoughts. But you know how they say that so often you don't see death coming? For some odd reason, I do.

I find that I ask myself often what I would do without dad. Or if mom is running late I think, for a millisecond, about what would happen if she never came back through the door. When I leave the house and yell "I love y'all" behind me, it crosses my mind that I may have just had my last conversation with one of those family members. And would I be satisfied with it?

Probably not. I don't know that in hindsight there could be enough words to convey exactly what you would want a loved one to know one last time. I love you is a start, I guess. So these split second ideas are around me often. They don't terrorize me, they humble me. Because I ask myself, if something did happen, would I be able to handle it?

Probably not. I don't know that in foresight there could be an understanding of not having someone around. And I don't crave to know it. But when that day inevitable comes, could I respond like Job?

"His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said."

What I'm getting at is that there is so much good around me. So I take the small and inadequate chances to prepare myself for trouble. Shall I accept one from God and not the other?

Do Not Put Forth your Hand (Can't touch this)

It is obvious to me in light of recent events that all of the emotions and thirst I feel right now are in due time.

As in, in God's timing. Not some sort of inevitable human enlightenment or conclusion. Ugh, the word enlightenment takes me back to four excruciating years of worldview. The class. That taught me little about how to deal with. The world. Views. All sorts of them. God. For me, just one of Him.

I know that. I believe that. And I have felt that.

There is no going back on that. But there is something purposefully distancing me from the feel-good version of God-- the one I create on Sunday mornings and in times of need. The one often used to explain away hate and permit judgement. I have no choice but to trust that that "something" is Yahweh. The Alpha and Omega. The jealous God. The righteous God. The God who is I am. Not when I ask Him to be, but always. The One who doesn't need me to articulate my requests to get them. The One who doesn't need me articulating the right things at the right time if my heart is going to be insincere. Because prayer, true intercession, is about laying my heart in front of the throne.

I don't think it's that I only focus on Him at certain times that He detests. If I were wholeheartedly coming before Him even irregularly, I believe He'd take it. Because you have to start somewhere and God desires to meet me where I am. So it's not that Sunday morning worship is useless. Sometimes, though, I just feel like I'm using it. To say "look, it hasn't been more than a week since I got before God and humbled myself." I use it to say "yes, that is when I really worshipped Him." To clarify, it's not to say it or defend myself to other people. It's to defend myself to me. And when I have to start defending myself to me, there's an issue there. If there was a way around that, I would have found it. But the more I deny that there is a problem and defend my half-hearted worship, the more frustrated I become. And the larger the issue grows. This coming out of denial, confronting the fact that I believe God but struggle with knowing Him is such a rude awakening. And so refreshing at the same time. Because I feel, finally, that God is working in the distance. Matter of a fact, I know He is. And being able to know that He is orchestrating recent happenings is huge. Something I had been sorely lacking.

It's really not that I doubt God. I see Him around me. In things that I could hardly chalk up to circumstance or conventional wisdom. He works in the small stuff and I see Him most easily in them. I see Him in the miniscule because I believe Him in the big picture.

But as far as where I fit into that picture? I guess that's where my doubt comes from. I doubt that I am really usable. I doubt that I am able to let Him change my heart. I feel unmoldable. I doubt my ability to explain Him. And when I feel distanced from Him, I doubt that He is working in me. I hate that I don't have answers for people I would love to give answers to. I doubt that my views have the power to change the world. me. my. i. don't.

God. Him. He. does.

I don't have to have all the answers to the world. And I sure as anything don't have to pretend that I do. I just have to remain sure that I worship a God who does.

It's weird to me that I am so quick to see God in the details, the mundane and yet that's where Satan ends up creeping in anyway. The doubt, the feeling of inadequacy, it builds. Until it's inescapable. Until it's all I can see when i go to lay my heart down. It's all I can think of as I go to worship. And it gets in the way of my actually giving my heart over.

It is still mine to give.

Satan can taunt, tease, laugh, distract, disturb. He has access. A lot of the time I open the door and invite him right on it for some tea. But He can not have. Then the LORD said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your power, only do not put forth your hand on him." So Satan departed from the presence of the LORD (Job 1:12).

My heart yearns for the presence of the Lord. A place the devil clearly isn't hangin' out.

He can't touch this.