And so that's exactly what He did

I guess the title makes more sense if you see my previous post.

I've been asking for a renewed sense of urgency from God. A connection. A need. A desperation.

The roots of the burden I'm feeling tonight have been around for some time. But the seeds of anxiety and fear I have sewn? I am now reaping them. What to do with it?

How do I stare school loans down in the face?

How do I find a responsible balance between knowing the burden and letting it go?

How do I honor the sacrifices being made for me?

How do I deal with the guilt? How do I enter the future?

Each of these questions lead to an unsettledness that I've lived with for a while. It shows up at different times with different intensities. But it is easy to shirk off when I look around and see most everything I could want, certainly everything I need. It all seems manageable and fine when I think of all that I have.

It seems scary and so humanly uncertain when I think of how quickly it could go.

Not like my life. I get the whole fleeting-ness of life and how quickly my breath could go.

But when it comes to the fleetingness of money, the temporariness of things, and the instability of health within this life, the situation begins to feel much more pressed.

And the more pressed I feel to the arms of God. Tonight I have felt and expressed the pressure unlike at any other time the unsettledness has reared its head. But tonight, for the first time, I confronted it. In the process, in a small but victorious way, I encountered once again the sovereignty of God's will. He's got a plan in all of this. In the fear and anxiety and feelings of anxiety, He's working something. And thank God that his ways are not mine.

Because then I would have one ball of emotions for a god.

So, with a tear stained face, I thank God for being more faithful to me than this helpless servant knows yet how to be to Him. As we sat in the dim light of our sunroom, Mom assured me that God hears the cries of our heart. He surely got quite the helping from us tonight. But this is my prayer, a Psalm (#86) that Mom brought to my attention earlier this week:

1 Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;

answer me, for I need your help.

² Protect me, for I am devoted to you.

Save me, for I serve you and trust you.

You are my God.

³ Be merciful to me, O Lord,

for I am calling on you constantly.

⁴ Give me happiness, O Lord,

for I give myself to you.

⁵ O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,

so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.

⁶ Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord;

hear my urgent cry.

⁷ I will call to you whenever I’m in trouble,

and you will answer me.

⁸ No pagan god is like you, O Lord.

None can do what you do!

⁹ All the nations you made

will come and bow before you, Lord;

they will praise your holy name.

¹⁰ For you are great and perform wonderful deeds.

You alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your ways, O Lord,

that I may live according to your truth!

Grant me purity of heart,

so that I may honor you.

¹² With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God.

I will give glory to your name forever,

¹³ for your love for me is very great.

You have rescued me from the depths of death.

¹⁴ O God, insolent people rise up against me;

a violent gang is trying to kill me.

You mean nothing to them.

¹⁵ But you, O Lord,

are a God of compassion and mercy,

slow to get angry

and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.

¹⁶ Look down and have mercy on me.

Give your strength to your servant;

save me, the son of your servant.

¹⁷ Send me a sign of your favor.

Then those who hate me will be put to shame,

for you, O Lord, help and comfort me.

If it's what it takes to praise Him, it's exactly what He'll do.

Or so I'm finding out.