Amen, Sister

I am an incredibly privileged person.

I know I say that a lot here. And I say it because it is often a hindrance. I have to consciously remind myself because I go about my daily life without truly understanding how good I have it. At the same time, it is precisely because I have it so good that I don't stop to "count my blessings." Sometimes the privilege is the problem.

Other times though, like when I do make a pointed effort to be thankful, I am reminded first of the most important and significant aspects of my life. You know, the parts of life that just make you want to be better? Yes, sometimes the privilege is the passion.

I could name off a whole list of these subjects in my life, or I could cut to the chase-- one of the blessings I count among the most sacred and inspiring in my life is my sister. At the thought of her and our relationship, I am reminded of God's providence. How He works it out and constructs people to interact as complements. I think people (including me) get caught up in trying to be a substitute for another person. This is not to say they think they can replace the other person, they just think they'd be better if they could be like that person. In certain respects, this is wonderful. Regarding the foundational qualities we could all possess a little more of-- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control-- it is great to have models. But when it comes to gifts and personalities? You can't be anyone but you. Emily is my proof that it is not only okay, it's how it is supposed to be. Knowing Emily doesn't make me want be her, like a substitute; it makes me want to be a better me; a better complement. I would love to say my actions are always in accordance with this appreciation, but we both still struggle with the insecurities involved in our weaknesses as well as jealousies involved in each other's strengths. Sometimes we cast ourselves so definitely in the roles we have observed in each other and what we know about our personalities that we feel trapped by the norms. For example, it is expected that I will be disorganized but sweet, Emily collected but assertive (yes, a euphemism for bossy). Last summer, frustrations over these expectations in our behavior came to a head at the craziest time-- thank God (and our parents) for communication skills. After one large come to Jesus meeting we were pointed back to the wisdom with which God created us so differently. Sometimes we clash, but more often than not, we mesh. While I praise God for that relationship and have learned so much from it, there are so many things I value about Em individually, outside of how our personalities compare and contrast. So many things I love about Emily... and her nearly 23 year old self.

I love that we hardly communicate outside of texting quotes back and forth while I'm away at school, but that at any point I know I could call her for help or advice. This goes for many of her friends, too. I admire her dedication to people.

I love that she wants to be a doctor because she truly cares and recognizes that she is gifted to be able to help... not because she was pressured or is looking to get rich.

I love that she loves a baby

I love that she sees a problem, decides what needs to be done to fix it, and goes after it. The most recent example that comes to mind is her involvement in Canvas, Rock Creek's young adult program. The most classic example? cleaning out the garage.

I love her smile. And her humor...

I love her voice.

It sounds a bit vain if you think of a voice as a fleeting talent. How about, then, I love how she rejoices. She has a unique way of belting something out. Sure, it's fun and games when her choice of music is Lady Marmelade in the car with her cell phone as a microphone, but there is nothing quite as powerful as when she pours her heart into worshipping God. I am humbled by her ability and desire to take others along with her.

I love her desire to know how things work. Hospital systems, construction (and, consequently, demolition), the human body, a bank account, a new set design at church, history (if you catch her at just the right time :)), relationships. She's a read the instructions type of person--amazingly thorough. I admire this quality most when it comes to her relationship with God. She doesn't want to simply know about Him, she craves to know how He's working and what she can do to be involved.

These are just a few of the comments I would make if we were at Outback as a family going around the table saying what we love about the birthday person (our "regular program," as Meme calls it). After everyone affirms a few qualities, the birthday person has to say something they like about themselves-- not in a selfish way as so much a reflective way. Well, Em's not here to do that now, so I'll post the personal statement she made on her October 2007 medical school application... it's a pretty fantastic summation.

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A Breath of Fresh Air

I have been surrounded by medicine my entire life with my father being a pediatrician and my mother, an RN. It is not strange to me then, that I would be inclined to have a career in a health profession. However, the decision to pursue that inclination as a physician was a long time coming. Knowing I would be involved in some sort of health profession, I chose to get a bachelor’s of science to keep all my options open. Physical Therapy and medicine became the two front runners in my mind because they involved close relationships with patients, interactions of the human body, and the ability to make decisions that bring healing. Physical Therapy was the route that I began to pursue, but the idea of medicine would never leave my mind.

I worked last summer in the Summer Science Program in the UAMS Department of Pediatrics at Arkansas Children’s Hospital—the most magical place on earth, or is that Disney World? My mentor, Dr. Mary Aiken, was adamant that I observe different areas of medicine. My favorite experiences were the emergency department, the hospital wards, and the nursery at UAMS. It was in these settings that I found myself not just comfortable in, but rewarded by the professional relationships with students, doctors, and patients. The diagnostic process and patient interaction further intrigued me as I shadowed my dad’s ward team. The research I was a part of in the Summer Science Program allowed me insight into the real life effects of trauma and the role that doctors play in helping families cope. The positive feedback I received from my research presentation boosted my confidence and again made me feel like I belonged in the medical world. Why was I continuing to fight the idea of being a doctor?The last weekend of the summer, I was on my way to school when I passed a car wreck (or as Dr. Aitken prefers, a motor vehicle crash). I was overwhelmed with a desire to help. I wanted to be trained to stay calm, take charge, and know what to do. I wouldn’t learn those things in physical therapy school. When I got to school, I talked with Dr. Jeffers, the Dean of the School of Natural Science and a trusted advisor. I told him about my summer and that I was trying to decide between physical therapy and medicine. His advice was to practice physical therapy if that’s what I wanted to do, but to not do physical therapy simply because I was scared of medical school. He hit the nail right on the head. I was scared that it would be too hard, that I would not be able to have the lifestyle I want, that I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure…Sometimes the scaredy-cat in me takes off for a while before logic can catch up. Here’s what I know about myself. I love to learn, and I am a good student. I am fascinated with the functioning of the human body, the cause and effect relationships that allow a person to run a mile, fight an infection, or speak a different language. I like to know how things work under normal circumstances and how they are affected when something goes wrong. I know I will enjoy the subjects of medical school and will be grateful to have found a job that allows me to use that information everyday. However, I realize there will be days when the intrigue of the material is far out-weighed by the stress of life and when being a doctor loses its glamour. In those times, I can rely on the drive that has gotten me through such things as quantitative analysis and organic chemistry. It is an ability to focus and plow through a given task, not because it is fun, but because I want to do my best; not because it is immediately rewarding, but because I see purpose for the future; not because I want to please people, but because I expect it of myself. Medical school would never leave my mind because despite all my fears, I knew any alternative would be selling myself short.

My concern about my lifestyle as a doctor is still an important issue but one that I have left in God’s hands. I had to get past my fear of the unknown, not having an exact plan, and just say yes to medical school for now. I am confident God has picked an area of medicine that will allow him to use me in whatever areas he needs me. So like I did before I knew what college to go to, or what career path to follow, I will work hard to keep all of my options open.

Even though I don’t know what type of medicine I will practice, I do know what kind of doctor I want to be. A doctor should be a person who brings calm into the confusion and worry that often accompany sickness. I want to be able to walk into a room and be a breath of fresh air, someone that people can look to for strength and reassurance. I want to earn trust and respect as a competent physician who is intellectually qualified to be making decisions regarding a patient’s medical care. I want to be able to calm the fear of the unknown by explaining what is going on and why we are taking a particular course of action. I want to be a doctor who has a sense of personal responsibility, humility, and compassion. My decision to pursue medicine may have been a long time coming, but I know that I am called to be a doctor, and I am ready to begin studying with diligence and conviction.

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More recently she wrote this note of facebook:

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"What's Next?

'I see the king of glory coming on the clouds with fire...
I see his love and mercy washing over all our sin...
I see a generation rising up to take their place...I see a near revival stirring as we pray and sing...We're on our knees.

Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause.
As I walk from earth into eternity.
Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the HighestHosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the Highest'

God is big. Bigger than my mind lets him be...

'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine...my ways are higher than your ways...' --Isaiah 55:8-9'"

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Amen, sister.

I am so privileged to have a sister who makes me want to be better at being me. I am so thankful to God that you are who you are. As we grow towards the women He wants us to be, it is amazing to me that he uses our differences to grow us together. Thank you for being obedient first and foremost to His calling. I love knowing you on the journey and I admire you as a student, a professional, a daughter, a follower of Christ, a sister and a friend.

break our hearts for what breaks Yours.

Everything we are to your Kingdom's cause, as we walk from earth into eternity.