...and he will be my squishy.
The title was going to be more official but then I realized a) I'm me and b) the phrasing of this Bible verse I am reading is strikingly similar to Dory's line in Finding Nemo. So I couldn't resist. Then I got to thinking of fish and had to include a picture in memory of Fitz, who died, a victim of Freshman year, one year ago. May he rest in peace.
Yesterday was ordinary. Ordinary in that I had gone to sleep late Saturday night as per the great company I constantly find myself surrounded by. Ordinary in that I got up early to keep the preschoolers. Ordinary in that I stayed for the second service at church. Ordinary in that I cleaned the room, got lunch, took a nap, spent more time with said great company, and started work a wee bit late. Fabulously ordinary.
Yesterday was also extraordinary. First of all, the weather was beautiful. Deirdre and I schemed about where we could go take pictures, but then concluded that it was such a perfect day, we just wanted to rest in it. And by rest I mean watch old Nickelodeon cartoons in the Big Bed. Big Bed, you ask? This...
... is about all I have for you on that subject. Basically, while it looks like two beds pushed together (and technically is), it encourages a sort of community that is unattainable with beds sitting ordinarily across the room from each other. There's more talking, more hanging, more fun, more friendship. It's just an extraordinary time when the Big Bed makes its appearance. And like the living arrangement is somehow enhanced by the BB, God just did something yesterday in church.
On Saturday night I called Nelson and Penny Withers, an older couple I have befriended at FRC, who said they weren't planning on going to the 9 a.m. Noelle was out of town and the only other person I knew to call at 9 p.m. had taken me to church the week before, leaving much earlier than usual to get me there. Not 5 minutes after I hung up with Penny, she called back and assured me that she and Nelson just talked and decided that for many reasons the 9 o'clock service would work better for them and that they would pick me up. It is just so good to have people who know and care about me off of this campus and to get to catch up with them on the way to church was a blessing.
When I got to church I ended up only have two kids in sunday school. To be able to concentrate on them on a much more personal level was so good. I really love these kids (which is good because they were not in the most attentive mood during their lesson). All I want is for them to know they are loved. Sometimes I think they're teaching me more about God than I feel equipped to teach them about Him. Still, I ask that He bless the time those kids and I spend together and that they do begin to get an understanding of how He cares for their lives.
At 10:30, when I went into worship, I realized that Jill was not there and that I had not confirmed with her to have a ride home. Nelson and Penny left after the 9 o'clock and while there was a sanctuary full of people who would be willing to take me home, I really didn't know where to start to ask. I knew I would get a ride home, but this idea that for the moment I was stranded pierced me during worship. I was temporarily stuck off campus-- that I could deal with. But it confirmed yet again that I am away from home. And as I depended on that body of people for help yesterday, I have to rely on God for help always. Certainly not just while I'm away. But I do have to say that this need for help sure feels exaggerated sometimes while I am. Away, that is. In my helplessness I yearned to hear from Him. This scripture was read during worship:
"3And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God." (get the squishy reference?) "4And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. 5And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. 6And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely. 7 He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son."
(Revelation 21)
And then they sang this song:
The world's shaking with the love of God
Great and glorious, let the whole Earth sing
And all you ever do is change the old for new
People we believe that...
God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious!
All You ever do is change the old for new. Every day I am experiencing a little more new. On days like yesterday, when there seems to be a little extra dose of new, there is a bit better understanding that He is bigger than the basics and He's got them under control. He is the beginning, He is the end. And even if I did have everything going just right, its a world I'll leave.
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Tonight I feel so burdened. Not depressed. Not anxious. Not about anything other than that I type those words and then go to pray and realize that I am so far from really knowing the glory that the song speaks about. Angie challenged her readers to physically get down on their knees, forehead to the floor and pray. To plead for a miracle in Stellan tonight. And when I did I had to face the fact that I haven't done my bible study in a week. And when I did do it before then, it was too often to just get it done. There was no better understanding of the God I serve coming out of that time. I am burdened, as I should be, by that fact that I haven't had any part in growing closer to Him for much too long. I know about Him. I know what I should be saying. But before I could even get to pleading for Stellan's life tonight, I had to face the fact that right now I don't feel Him. I see Him everywhere in this springtime. I know He is working. But there was an overwhelming gap between the two of us tonight. And for the better part of two hours I repeated "I want to know it, I want to know it, I want to know it." The glory, that is. I want to know it for myself. So that when I stand in front of a class of eyes and hurt and condemnation I can know love and compassion. So that I can be love and compassion. Not so that at the end of the day I can say I know it. I've been saying I know Love and Compassion for a long time-- so have a lot of other Christians. It's hard to hear on campus that religion is hypocrisy and then realize that I am exhibit A. I don't have to be. And not all of Christianity is. But to say I know one thing and to act a different way certainly does not give my case for Christ much credibility. And it is a sin. So I'm here saying I don't know the answers, and I way too often miss the Glory; but I can and want to know Love and Compassion. Personally. So that when my forehead meets the wood floor, I can feel Him near. I can yearn for Him. All of this is a start. It is not to discredit my walk to this point--I wholeheartedly believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and that the grace He offers is sufficient to take me to the throne room of Heaven. But tonight, He is changing the old for new. I have pleaded that He take it-- the guilt and shame in knowing my own inadequacy, the inadequacy itself-- that I would personally know the glory. That I could call on that glory for Stellan's sake tonight.
It was in claiming these scriptures for Stellan tonight that I began to feel so burdened for lack of truly knowing and realizing these words in my life. Still, they are true and faithful words:
"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." (Psalm 103: 1-5)
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
...bigger than the air I breathe, the world I'll leave.
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