Wishes

I wish Stellan would be better.

I wish I would be more diligent with my time and my school work.

I wish I had a car; moreover that I had a job to pay for a car.

I wish I was more motivated to work at said job.

I wish I had the depth of understanding to be the friend I want to be to a dear chiclet right now.

I wish I had the wisdom and discernment required to undertake the task I've been asked to do for this ministry of my peers that I do love so much.

But he's not, I'm not, I don't. Wishing these things implies that somehow I can set a goal, take some steps and arrive at this happy place where wishes come true. But I can't.

This is not to say that I don't look forward to anything. It does mean that I can't just will these things to happen. They wont "just happen" because things just don't happen.  And where I might be frustrated that all my wishes aren't coming true at the moment when I would love to see them granted, I am grateful for the assurance that things aren't just happening. That it's not just wishful thinking. I can't just want these things. No, I hope these things. There is a comfort in knowing that whether or not these wishes come true, stuff is happening for a reason. He promises me that. 

My responsibility is to be broken and humbled. Not to get on here, not to kneel on my floor, and proclaim words. It's not about knowing the right thing to say. Because if I knew the right things to say, I wouldn't have to hope for the above list. And I wouldn't be in prayer for each request. Which is a problem because if I have any hope it's in being weak on my knees in honest prayer for the lives of others and for my service to them. If I alone had the right words, I'd miss that hope. And I'd miss the joy that is congregating as a collectively humbled body of believers before God. 

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." -Philippians 2:1-4

I am so incredibly excited for what I've seen God do today in the life of the BCM. I feel so privileged to be a part of this group of people. We are so, so far from being perfect. As individuals and as a community. We aren't near as effective on campus as we should be. We aren't on the same page like we so easily could be. But we're all learning as best we know how. Maybe we aren't doing all we can to learn to love and be loved. It is quite possible (as it often is in my own life) that we know we aren't growing and we've learned to deal with it. I'll do that when... I'm not in the mood... I'm not sure it's my place... I don't have time...

These are my excuses. These are the things I say when I am discouraged... when God feels distant and I don't feel like mending the gap. When I would rather just not wish for something than only halfheartedly pursue it. God agrees. He'd rather me not do something than think I have the power to maybe wish something in His direction every now and then and see it come to be. But rather than be really passionate about changing or about realizing my own inadequacy and admitting it to Him, I end up pretty indifferent. I say "do it if you want, don't if you want... whatever." I convince myself that nothing is wrong with me and I turn it into what other people may be doing wrong around me. I turn it into an issue of what everyone else is doing to get in the way of my wishes coming true. When really that is not what it's about at all. There is no hope in that. No hope for myself and no hope to share. Not to my friends, not to my family, not to the BCM, not to the campus. And if a wish does come true, if I so happen to get what I want, there seems to be a whole lot less joy in it than I wanted. So did I really get what I wanted? There's that line in the Chris Daughtry song, "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all." 

I don't want to get everything I mentioned at the beginning of this post and still want. If it's true that "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness" then why is my happiness so often contingent on getting what I want? This is what Paul is talking about in Philippians when he says, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." That is such a big passage. It bugs me when people have it written on their basketball shoes or boast it after athletic events. What really bugs me about it is that I can't say it's not true. And I can't be the judge of if that person is sincere in quoting Philippians 4:13. Matter of a fact, if I had to choose a few verses to "sum up" Christianity (ha!) I would probably put that one in there. But person, you just won the Super Bowl, you hardly represent "any and every situation." You just got your wish! If you hadn't? If your baby lay in near death for a week? If you had to live on 2 dollars a day? Would you still believe it? 

Want to know my biggest peeve with Philippians 4:13? It's that I can be upset with those athletes all I want, but I have to hold myself to the same standard. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. But I can't get all things. And when I don't get the things I want, how I respond has everything to do with how strongly I believe that verse. Can I do not getting what I want through Him? I've got to consider that before I go writing it all over stuff. And I have to quit judging others who already have. 

I got my wish to come to Mary Washington. I was forced to think this morning about what if I didn't. Little me was feeling great coming out of yesterday-- a day when a Big God worked big things in the life of a little ministry. I was, and still am, so so so excited for what is happening at the BCM. But this morning I woke up to find out that I had a financial hold on my student account that would prevent me from registering at 11. On top of this, Mary Wash's system was down, so I could not access my personal information or registration status. And even more concerning, little me was reminded that no matter what my parents may want to do for me, sometimes (a lot of times) they are still little them, too. My parents couldn't promise being able to resolve the financial issue before wednesday morning, the last day of registration. If I didn't register in this period of time, I would not be able to for next semester. And so, for an hour this morning, there was a very real possibility that I would be sitting out a semester. There is still this idea forever in the back of my mind that I might have to go home for good before I really want to. I was at peace with that. Not because I am so patient and understanding. But because He is. And because living in plenty or in want, I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. I have a responsibility to call on that strength, and I don't do it near often enough. No, too often I'm content to wish and not hope. To wish and be let down when my wishes don't come true. To be lukewarm. 

"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:

These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold-- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked... those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

    -Revelation 3:14-20

I am wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. But I want to know the glory. And I want Him to take it all, so that I could learn a little more about the glory as I go. Mostly, above all, so that He would be glorified. So that where I am wretched I would be made loving. Where I am pitiful I would be made compassionate. Poor, giving. Blind, gracious. Naked, humble. This is not just my wish... it is my hope.