Last Wednesday night, I led a small group of 6th graders. We talked about Jonah and prayers of repentance. Then we touched on the more complex, more difficult to understand idea of listening to God in the first place. Pre-whale and all. How to hear the direction?
When no one offered to pray come closing time, I offered a word. If they were just shy and not wanting to pray out loud, that's one thing. Of concern is if prayer feels an uncomfortable or disregard-able part of everyday life.
Gulp.
For any leader, the telltale lump forms, mid-throat. Where is the line between saying it because it's true and keeping quiet because, well, you don't want to be a hypocrite?
The issue was already forefront in my mind. I was late to the middle school service because I got caught up at Lifeway. A wonderful, terrible place. I went to get a necklace for Zaida. In all that time, from May 'til now, I managed to lose her necklace. The one with the sheep face and John 10:11. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."
Then there were the notecards. Do you know my personality type makes me prone to not expressing the deep appreciation I have for the people in my life? I don't have a problem with appreciating them at heart-- just in word.
There were a couple of perfect gifts in the aisles. Then the music aisles are right next to the kid aisles and I remembered Angie's keen advice. A children's Bible?
I questioned myself as I picked it up. But I am a 4-5 year olds Sunday School teacher (a good excuse) and would be kidding myself to try and say I couldn't benefit from a mapping out of the basics (a good use). I've always loved a kids-eye view-- why not with this? Taking childlike faith to the next level is yours truly.
The first one I saw looked familiar. Back in 2008, I met the author at a friend's birthday party here in Virginia. She had the most excellent British accent and we spoke about her passion for writing in a way that makes God real to children. (Or, you know, real to me).
Just so you know, "Old MacNoah had an Ark" really made an impression on me. I'm being serious.
Having remembered Angie's advice, I also remembered the Bloom Book Club selection for this spring and decided to just see if they had it. They did. Well, shoot.
This is the point at which the very helpful people-- who've said at least 12 times that I should call them if I need help-- come over, unbeckoned, to hold my stuff up front for me. Like I said, very helpful.
Enablers.
It looked safe until I got to the register. There they have the $5 deals which I can usually say "no" to, but there was the "donate a Bible to the crisis pregnancy center" option and a "Daily Reading Bible: ESV style." I have Bibles. I wrestled with the idea of reading through the Bible as a New Year's resolution and decided against it. "Cliche," I thought. And who finishes their New Year's resolutions? No one ever finishes mine for me. Plus, I don't need another Bible. I have Bibles.
But reading and knowing the Bible is not cliche, it's necessary. And of course no one finishes my resolution for me. Stupid excuse. It's my undertaking and saying I don't believe myself to finish it is a cop out.
I put it on the stack, swiped the card, and got out of there. Never to return. Until March. I've actually set that parameter. (I made no such agreement regarding Family Christian Store, but I remedied that after a couple of purchases made while waiting for a table at Carrabas with Ashley and Nana on Saturday night.)
So that night, sitting in the yellow room with the big comfy couch and the 856 blue pens, I was well on my way to practicing what I preach. Daunted by the notion of tackling the contents of the bag waiting in the car. Intrigued by the un-disregardable God Who answers prayers waiting for me to still myself.
By the next afternoon, I was eager.
So eager, in fact, that I started with the big people Bible. It gives a passage from the Old Testament, a Psalm and a passage from the New Testament, and I took to writing what stood out to me in particular.
Psalm 31
3: for you are my rock and my fortress; and for your names sake you lead me and guide me.
5: into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.
7: I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the affliction of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place.
10: for my life is spent with sorrow and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.
22: I had said in my alarm (also translated as "haste" hm...) "I am cut off from your sight." But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.
24: Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!
Mark 10
18: Jesus said to him, "why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone."
43: But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as ransom for many.
49: ... take heart. Get up; he is calling you.
Then it was the "Jesus Storybook Bible" time. When I opened to the first page, I noticed a connection. A flow. An illustration similar to the picture gracing the cover of Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts."
And on that front page, five words that lay at the core of Ann's book: "He was making life happen."
p. 25: "God saw all that he had made and he loved them. And they were lovely because he loved them."
"Adam and Eve joined in the song of the stars and the streams and the wind in the trees, the wonderful song of love to the one who made them. Their hearts were filled with happiness. And nothing ever made them sad or lonely or sick or afraid."
p. 36: "You see, no matter what, in spite of everything, God would love his children-- with a never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love. And though they would forget him, and run from him, deep in their hearts, God's children would miss him always, and long for him-- lost children yearning for their home."
Later that night, perched in the "tree houses" in the library, I read the first pages of "One Thousand Gifts." A new favorite "component particle" of the flow I've longed to experience in quiet time for a long time.
This woman thirsts, and this woman speaks.
Chapter 1: An Emptier, Fuller Life
"...like every person enters the world: with clenched fists."
"then they name me."
"Satan's sin becomes the first sin of all humanity: the sin of ingratitude."
"We eat. And, in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice."
"Maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds."
"When we find ourselves groping along, famished for more, we can choose."
"More than 14,600 days, they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable. They eat the mystery."
Flow. (verb. 5. To exhibit a smooth or graceful continuity).
I'm saying this here because, well, there's accountability in community. Because I want graceful continuity in my prayer life and Bible study and I want to remember how I attempted it.
I also want to encourage anyone looking for a devastating, encouraging book about grace and gratitude to pick up "One Thousand Gifts." Ann is just different. In every great sense of the word. She "beckons you to leave the parched ground of pride, fear, and white-knuckle control and abandon yourself to the God who overflows your cup."
And if you feel so inclined, you can follow along with the book club here.
That's that. That's the flow for now. An attempt to "stop wolfing life down" and enjoy each day of these last few months of this chapter in life.
My attempt to touch on the more complex, more difficult to understand idea of listening to God in the first place. Pre-whale and all.
No comments:
Post a Comment