Strangely Absent

One of the failed ventures of spring semester for me was the Esther study the sisters and I set out to do. I think we all knew when we started how hard it would be to coordinate as a group often enough to do a full-fledged study together. Even so, I had hoped to do much better on the work in my own time. For some reason, the lack of meeting time left little motivation for me to finish. I also wish I had spent more time with the ladies outside of the Bible study. But before I knew it, it was the end of the school year and I was only three weeks into the study, with way fewer minutes minutes of QT clocked in with these precious friends than I would have liked. No ones fault, really. Just an observation.

I pulled out the study to find some sort of truth that I should be reminded of tonight. Because I don't know if you picked it up about me here lately, but I'm looking for some passion for the truth. Leave it to Beth. Er, God. There, on page 30 if you have it, was what I needed to see. Beth is setting up the schemes upon which the whole book is built. PURIM is what she calls it-- Parties, Unknowns, Rescues, Ironies, or Moments-- the factors that have lasting impact in the study of Esther.

"By the end of our study (which for me, that time, was 2 weeks later), your acrostic themes will comprise a photo album illustrating Purim's truest message: the Providence of God."

Providence being the truth that God is never more present than when He seems strangely absent.

"Hopefully [Purim] will train the eyes of your heart to see how an unseen God works in similar ways in your own life experiences and remind you [of His providence]... there in the hiddenness, God builds a woman she'd never otherwise become."

Sometimes (as in right now) in all of my worrying that God isn't working in my life, I forget that by being here and asking Him to do so, He is. Because that's just how He rolls.

As I spend my days getting my beauty sleep, working hard, exercising, eating healthily, washing clothes, and trying to be a good friend-- all in an attempt to be filled-- I find myself strangely sitting straight up on empty. Meanwhile He waits to teach me a valuable lesson about fulfillment-- or He at least waits to begin that lesson. Something tells me it may take a while. Not only because sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake, but also because there is a lot to learn, I'm sure.

And right now, if the best way for Him to start teaching me is to let me find out on my own time (borrowed time to begin with) how frustratingly impossible it is to fill myself up, then I'm okay with these feelings of inadequacy. If for no other reason than the fact that on my own little lonesome, I am inadequate. He continues to find new ways to drill that one into me.

What I can know is that this story of little ole me does not end in defeat. Despite the feelings of inadequacy and despite the inadequacy itself. Victorious only in light of God's grace. Providence might have something to do with it, too.

"... and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority." -Colossians 2:10

"I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me." -Song of Solomon 7:10

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us-- yes, establish the work of our hands." -Psalm 90:17

"The kind is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." -Psalm 45:11

And there you have it. Some sort of truth to be remembered tonight.

Thank you, honorable Lord.