In Good Company

I had an interesting conversation last night.

Interesting in a good way. The best way really. Because it's challenging.

This is what Katie Jones got me thinking about:

How much of my "closeness" to God is determined by the community around me? And not only that but how okay am I with that? And is it wrong to be comforted by your friends? Should you necessarily have to avoid them for the sake of growing closer to God? The One you know (or, and this stings me, don't know) at the end of the day.

My answer literally put Katie to sleep last night. Because it's huge and complicated and something that I've struggled with since before I felt God was calling me from the comfort of my home. Then I subsequently struggled with it when I realized just how easy it was to get comfortable here. Even the "sacrifices" I make are for the sake of seeking acceptance and fellowship with a group of friends.

Which, hear me, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.

But should that community be what I am striving towards first and foremost? Probably not. In my experience its just not as good that way. Not as good as if I was striving to really know the God who lays with me at the end of any given day.

I said I wanted to come to Virginia to know, at the end of the day, that it was God who got me here and carries me through. I wanted Him to apply to my life just as much in the new and the lonely and the challenging as much as he did in the comfortable. And while I feel like He's taken this opportunity to teach me a lot, He's also gone out of His way to provide. So much so that the comfortable thing is still an issue. When I go home and the BCM is not there, and it was there that I sought God, what does that say about my relationship with God?

I would hope it wouldn't mean that the growth and the seeking was over.

It works with just about every other thing that makes me happy in life.

Where do you feel closest to God? Is it a place, in the company of some person, in the absence of people? I'm glad I have these things to bring me back to a knowledge of God, to feeling that closeness. Things He uses to bring me happiness and sometimes, even, an intimacy with Him.

But you can even have intimacy and not necessarily a relationship. The 21st Century is good with this one.

I feel like I see God in all sorts of things. I ask Him to reveal himself in situations and am infatuated by his ability to do so and bring what only He can to certain happenings. I have entered into a relationship with Him and praise Him for sending a human son to be what a perfect and holy God could not be to a sinful and neglectful people. Me.

But if the place and company in which I feel closest to God were taken away, if moments of temporary intimacy became a little fewer, what happens to that relationship?

For me, in the past, it takes an unnecessary beating.

Like if I'm not with a community then my relationship is not legit, but if I'm with a community then the relationship loses a little authenticity. Of course, neither of these has to be the case.

Last night I didn't go to praise and worship because I was exhausted. And the more I kept trying to tell myself "Sadie, just get over it and get in there," the more I realized that my motivations were all off. This person will be disappointed to not see you there, that person is going to ask you about it later on, it'll be good to see those people. (and it would). You should go have some time with God after this crazy week. (and I should). But does that time with God have to look like Praise and Worship at this time for this long for this week.

I decided instead that I would come back to the apartment and have a quiet time with God. Just me and Him. It was going to be so great.

Until then I watched So You Think You Can Dance and fell asleep before I "got around to it."

So there's this place where you know that you don't ha

ve the personal relationship you want, you're striving for it and you're frustrated for the umpteenth time that you're falling into a comfort that is temporary. Still, my spiritual growth of the week didn't have to happen last night because that's when I felt like I should because that's when the community that I feel comfortable with

did.

In hindsight, though, I needed last night. A release, a calm. And if I had let myself get all ett up with guilt about missing my corporate worship opportunity last night, I would not be able to right now praise God for the freedom to worship Him whenever. Wherever. With whomever. Without whomever. Do I take all the opportunities? Absolutely not. But if I did take all the "official" opportunities, the ones I put pressure on myself to take up, would I automatically be closer to knowing God? Maybe I would feel like it. But probably I would be fooled.

I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Chapter 6 is rocking my socks off. And by my socks I mean my preconceived notions about how serving God and loving God jived. I mean I've always known you can't really serve God without the motivation that loving Him provides. But then you feel like you just should be serving because you should love Him that much. And then it's all about should instead of what is. And then the discrepancy is exhausting.

Well Francis speaks some truf (thats truth for those of the ebony persuasion) up in the situation. See?

"Isn't that what God wants of us-- to crave this relationship with Him as we crave all genuine love relationships? Isn't that what brings Him glory-- when believers desire HIm and are not merely slaves who serve Him out of obligation?"

"Lukewarm living and claiming Christ's name simultaneously is utterly disgusting to God. And when we are honest, we have to admit that it isn't very fulfilling or joyful to us, either."

"No wonder so few people want to hear from us about what we ourselves feel is a boring, guilt-ridden chore."

"Are we just fooling ourselves that we really can be in love with God and that it is more satisfying than anything else? I don't believe so."

All of this is to say that as I navigate this road to truly being taken by God and having a relationship with Him outside of the communities where I am comfortable, I remain so thankful that I am in good company.

See?