Roots

That's the theme of Axis this weekend.

I should say the weekend formerly known as Axis, because in an attempt to be more inclusive, this is now technically the Collegiate Fall Retreat.

Axis. ah hm.

Thing is that I'm the Mary Wash representative to the BCM State Council, in charge of putting on this show. The council, that is. Not just me. My specific job for now is to provide some sort of entertainment for tomorrow night after worship and make sure people get great refreshments and feel welcome and all that. There will be other things, too, like sharing scripture and offering up some prayer, but I wont know the details of that until I get to the conference site tomorrow night.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous.

Not about the speaking, really. But I'm nervous that for right now I really don't know what to expect of this weekend and I don't know what is expected of me. Which stinks because I really would prefer to not not meet someone's expectations. My only job as of right now is to be there on time tomorrow, which is already looking iffy since I'm taking other people in my car and I don't want to keep them from having fun at dinner but I will be facing a time crunch tomorrow afternoon. Also, I'm supposed to be staying with a caravan when really, I might need to just go. I would leave earlier, but I have a crucial class tomorrow that I cannot miss, much to the dismay of my passengers.

All of these unknowns and feelings to be considered vs. a job to be done makes my heart beat a little faster tonight, to be honest. I guess you could say I'm anxious.

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

(Philippians 4:4-8)

Well, there it is. Guess I just don't have an excuse to rest in that anxiety tonight. (Can you rest in anxiety?) So this is, I suppose, the end of my wallowing. I know you're relieved. I am.

Tonight Katie Jones mentioned healthy doubt. The kind that keeps you questioning why you do certain things. Keeps you wondering if you do have everything under control. Keeps you asking if you have everything right. The kind that keeps begging you evaluate what you believe and what you're putting your faith in. The kind that keeps you from assuming you've got it all figured out and in line. The healthy kind.

I hold on to that doubt as I go into this weekend to truly evaluate my heart and what needs to change.

As for the anxiety? It's far less constructive than the doubt. And it is so anti what I know about this God I worship who will work this weekend for his glory. Not because of me, not even through me, but in spite of me. I hope He will work his glory in me. Not because I want attention but because I need a heart that glorifies God. I need a heart that doubts my ability to do this life on my own or have all of the right answers. I need a heart that doubts my own ability to be pleasant and patient all the time. I need a heart that doubts my own ability to meet expectations that are set for me. I need a heart that hurts in its own weakness. Here recently I feel like I've reached that point.

So more than anything this weekend I need God to be glorified by this broken heart. I need a heart that rejoices in His glory. And I need to not miss that for going about the weekend worried about details and times and other peoples' hearts.

I need some roots at a time when I feel like I'm drifting from an intimate relationship with the Creator of this fragile heart.

At a time when my wings are starting to get heavy and I miss my roots (the ones acting as a supply of spiritual nutrients and the ones back in Arkansas). At a time when I'm tired of flying solo and I just want to be grounded for a while.

Doubt to assess myself. Independence to get on stage. Vigor to have fun with my friends.

To quote Ross from friends, "I could use all of these things!"

But to have any of these I've got to first know the assurance I have that God is working through it all. First I've gotta have me some roots.

And the leaves won't be bad to look at, either.