Bygones

One of our breakout sessions this weekend was about journaling and our exercise was to journal. So I did.

10/31/09

"Halloween. Yours is the only spirit I want in this room. Remember that Halloween 14 years ago? The Holy Ghost party? Those friends, that church, that child? Did you know then that they'd move away? Did you know the future of Saddle Creek?

Did you know I'd be here, in this room, with these friends, as this child? Of course you did. You knew.

Do I take that for granted? Do I just assume you'll take the reigns and carry me through, carry my friends through? I just don't have as much of an issue with trusting you as I do asking you. I believe you know your plans, but it doesn't mean it'll just happen. It doesn't mean that doubt won't creep in or words won't cut deep or relationships wont be a struggle. These things just happen when I assume that we're good. That you've got it without even haven communicated with you. I measure myself against other people and my beliefs conform to theirs. It's not that they are bad beliefs. But they just aren't yours. They aren't your words and without your words, mine mean nothing.

14 years, God. 14 years of changes and phases and laughter and pain. So many times that I've need your words and so many times I've spoken my own. I believe that you created me to think independently and be smart. To reason. To put stuff together in my head. But when I'm not seeking evidence of you, I have little to actually claim faith in.

I claim you. But to know you? 14 years worth? I feel like I'm behind."

I hate this problem. And I hate that it is a persistent one in my life.

I don't lack belief. I don't lack faith.

I lack maturity. I lack abandon.

"Still another said, 'I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.' Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." -Luke 9:61-62

Well, I mean, let's back up. I just straight up lack reading my Bible. If I'm behind it's because I haven't used my resources. It's that I've aspired to the life of greater maturity but have done little to reach it. I am at once okay with where I am and in another instant hating it. One moment if feel like I've done enough. The next I feel behind.

I'll follow you, Lord, but first...

I have a lot of "firsts." The main one is "but first, don't you see how badly I've failed. How childish I've been. Don't you see my record, here? Don't you hate the lukewarm? I'm just average. I've just been comfortable. You despise 'servants' like me. The ones who say 'no, no. I've done enough. See?...' Don't you see how distant I've been?"

But first, let me think it through. Let me decide if I'm good enough. Let me decide if she is good enough. Let me decide if he is good enough. Let me decide if you are good enough.

I'm not. Let me work on that and get back to you. Don't worry I'll figure it out. Let me look back. Let me go to a conference. Let me talk to friends. Let me think.

The question, though, I believe, is are you, God, good enough? Good enough for my abandon? Good enough for my attention?

(The retreat formerly known as) Axis brings out a side of me I feel like you meant to be very useful. The side of me that will drop the thought of sleep and instigate a three legged race. The side that will ball up in a corner of telephone booth to beat a record. The side that will sleep on a pee stained, pee reeking bed because half the world doesn't have half that. The side that will hop on a stage and have the most fun, if only for a few minutes, seeing the laughter and glee of new people. The side that will dance around to "I'll fly away" not because it's what I'm supposed to do but because it's what I'm not. Because by the end of the weekend you managed to teach something to this hurt, confused heart. The side of me that will go to bed that exact same day crying because knowing something just isn't enough. Knowing a lot of things just isn't enough. Believing a lot of things just isn't enough. It isn't enough compared to the "surpassing greatness of know Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I (should) have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:8-11)

The side of me that is ready to give a lot of things up.

Who is ready to be humbled, even humiliated.

(insert picture of my badonkadonk with rust stains all up on it here)

Who at the end of it all would like to attain to resurrection. Not because heaven has gold or my grandpa (but I mean, hey B-Daddy) but because resurrection is the only way to truly be in the presence of Christ. Yes, after humbling myself to servanthood, I hope to be there, finding the glory in your presence.

But if not.

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, 'O Nebuchadnessar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, o king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)

But if not, it would be worth it anyway. You would be worth the humiliation of being reduced to a foot washing peasant. Glorification for me or not. Because it will have been to your glory. And that is enough. You don't need me for the glory in the first place. You sure don't need to glorify me.

I'm not good enough.

But you gave me your attention. And you abandoned your majesty to humble yourself as a servant.

Good enough for my attention? Good enough for my abandon? Good enough for my humiliation?

The three-legged race is. The phone booth is. The laughter is.

Aren't you?

Phrased like this it comes so simply to me. You are more than enough.

Hence the dancing and subsequent crying. More than I know, you are enough. And what I know is not enough.

I will follow you, Lord, but first let me know a little more.

"My brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." (Philippians 3:13-16)

I will glorify you, Sadie, but first let me humble you.

That starts from where I am. Not where I want to be. Not where I was. But from where I am, with what I have already attained.

Let bygones be bygones.

I will be glorified, Sadie, but first let me show you humility. Let me exemplify it. Let me bring it about in you. Have faith in that. You be the evidence. You press towards the goal. You keep lowering yourself. You serve me. You reach the bottom and see if there isn't a prize waiting.

I will, Lord, but even if there is not, I will not serve anything, anyone, else first.

It is what God wants to hear, I think. It is the response I want to give.

But as is, I have a lot of firsts. The main one is "but first, don't you see how badly I've failed. How childish I've been. Don't you see my record, here? Don't you hate the lukewarm? I'm just average. I've just been comfortable. You despise 'servants' like me. The ones who say 'no, no. I've done enough. See?...' Don't you see how distant I've been?"

Family. School. Friends. Sleep. TV. Technology. Me. All have gone first.

But I'm letting bygones be bygones.

Sure I feel inadequate. Sure I feel behind in knowing the God who knows me intimately.

But it was never about me.

At least not until God decided to make it about me. And you.

It's not about a prize or the glory in being able to say "yes, I have done enough."

It's about that "the God we serve is able." (Daniel 3:17).

Able enough for me to abandon my bygones. And more than good enough.