In between

I dropped Mom and Dad off at the airport this morning.

Now I'm sitting in my incredibly empty living room. Sitting and thinking. Thinking and praying. Praying and planning.

A lot like what I did on the way home from the airport. Except for then I was crying. I don't know why, really. The excitement for this semester is palpable and I have so much to look forward to. Really, I just have so much. I'm ready to get started. There was just something that stung a little today in the realization that my parents are gone. But not just that they're gone. I'm gone. I'm the one away from home. By choice, sure. By calling, even better. Some days just require an extra helping of courage. So I had a lovely drive home mustering it up.

As I drove off, still seeing my dad in the rear-view mirror, I turned my iPod on. I went to play something like "wonderful, merciful savior" or "all of me" or "i will show you love." Instead Francesca Battistelli's "free to be me" came streaming through my speakers. Which is only funny because last Friday on my road trip with Dad, he sang through the entire first verse and chorus searching for the title to this song. So there he is humming every word with me

doubling over in laughter. Maybe it was mean of me to let him keep going, but you would have done the same thing if you could have heard it. Besides, the memory served as my comedic relief this afternoon.

That, and when I told mom to call me she said "Oh, baby, I'm going to text you." Like she is something else because she has finally mastered the art of the text. Don't hurt yourself, baby ;)

Another funny thing? As I went through my music, finding songs to sing (cry) along to, an unlikely artist spoke to me. Don't laugh. Or do, because it is funny. I had just finished "wonderful, merciful savior" when Christina Aguilera comes on. With a song I would never really expect to teach me. Still, when it started with "young girl, don't cry I'll be right here when your world starts to fall," I knew it was time to get over myself.

After all, this is my choice and it is my calling.

Christina suggests I trust the voice within. I choose to trust in Him.

Tired. Scared. Lonely. Hurt.

Up. Happy. Surrounded. Fine.

Here.

There.

In between.

I have a lot. I mean, my living room is pretty bare. But the kitchen is stocked, my school clothes are bought and my tivo is running. The medicine cabinet is hanging in the bathroom, staring me down with the same challenge it brought this time last year. The stuff is not what will get me through-- it's not my hope. Not even friends or good intentions will carry me. It's you, God.

Jesus, make me courageous. Because no matter where I am, I'm in between Home. I feel it a little more today, and I'm grateful for that. I love you, that you are able to satisfy me wherever. This is me ready to let you. Satisfy, that is. Outside of wardrobe and good eats and a tivo.

And since it's in my head and relevant...

I'm a new soul

I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear

Finding myself making every possible mistake

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

(New Soul, Yael Naim)