Nothing

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

-Bebo Norman

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

-2 Timothy 1:7

I am a benefit of the doubt type person. It sometimes comes in handy. Like when I can throw caution to the wind and have a movie date with a best friend at 11 p.m. when I have to babysit at 8:30 a.m. sharp. Like when I meet someone new, my mind isn't thinking about how that person might end up hurting me. Like when I have two friends fighting, I don't take a side easily. I like to hear both and point out the flaws in both arguments. And help people be friends again. 

Sometimes it is one of the things I like least about myself, and for good reason. Because it also says "so I haven't talked to this person all break long, they know I love them." "So that came out wrong, she knows I still love her." It simultaneously makes me a people pleaser and a people hurter. A person who works hard to see both sides, even when she is one of the sides, and ends up compromising something to make a person feel better, or more important, or taken care of. A person who assumes other people will give her the benefit of the doubt when she doesn't come up with the best words, or is too loud some nights or irritating on others. Who some days works too hard to make others happy and others, not near hard enough. A person who is constantly trying to find the balance. 

A person with not all of the answers, but who would love to have them. A person who often thinks she does have them and is sorely mistaken. A flawed person. Not always bad, not always good. Flawed. A personality that can and should be worked on. 

I am an apologetic person. But I should not be timid. In the face of confrontation I have been timid. It's part of the personality. A part I don't necessarily care for. A part that I don't have the power or discipline to change in a loving way. But You're there. Ready and willing if I would ask. I've tried for a week now. And I have nothing.