a Study Break of sorts

well it's 3:30 a.m. and I am so over International Relations. Probably a bad thing considering I haven't taken the test yet...eh. What did I say a few weeks back about not complaining? It's getting increasingly harder as my anxiety rises. I never considered myself as a victim of test anxiety, but considering this is my first break since 7:30 p.m. I'd say I'm being somewhat irrational. How bad can it really be? I can't know until tomorrow at 9:30, test in front of me, pencil ready to go, bubbles ready to be perfectly filled in (or neatly erased), brain in full gear. Let me guarantee you my brain is not in full gear right now. 

But I just got to thinking about this anxiety. This irrational fear I have that I continue to let drive me in the days leading up to big tests, papers or presentations. I feel like there is no time (do you see how many specific times I listed in the first paragraph?!). I feel like I have to have a schedule (If you know me you know this is way out of character). And I feel like any new plan/distraction/break threatens my productivity to the point that I will put in headphones and turn up music so loud that WWIII could happen around me and I would not notice ("make sudden movements if you need me!"). The thing is that this may not be a bad strategy. The headphones keep me from being distracted by conversations, tv, other music, etc. At the same time, though, it facilitates this attitude I have that I can't let anything get between me and preparedness for the exam. I really am not worried about the grade. I'm just terrified of facing that exam feeling unprepared. So for me, there is no such thing as a welcome distraction during crunch time. But to God, there is. It's welcome distraction spelled with a capital W and a capital D. One of Jesus' many aliases. You may have heard the others... Prince of Peace. Wonderful Counselor. Emmanuel. 

I think of all the people who were too busy to be bothered the night Jesus was born. How could they know that this young couple searching about town for a cheap room was about to parent Christ? They didn't know to expect Him that night. But for the rest of us, he has become the most relevant distraction.

Do I expect Him? Or do I write Him off during exam week and tell Him he can work when I'm not so busy. Most of the time it's the latter. Shame.

I think of all the information I've accumulated this semester and crammed in the past few days. I think of the fervor with which I study the material in hopes of feeling prepared for the exam. And I wonder why it's not like this with Bible study. I'm pretty sure it's because I know that to God, through Christ, I already have a passing grade. Not because of anything I've done. Not because I am good enough or will ever be prepared enough. But because Christ fills in the gap. So I am severely chillax when it comes to studying the material. Shame, too, since this material is the most worthwhile. Worth my time. Worth my attention. Worth the distraction from the things of the earth. Actually, isn't that the point?

What if I got to the point where I so fervently sought the Lord that anxiety had to fight to get a word in? Where nothing got in my way of preparing to meet Him. Where stopping to take some time with Him felt less like another something to fit into a schedule and more like such a welcome distraction. What a fulfilling study break that would be...