Lost It

I'm waiting for my study partner in a basement that reminds me so much of my freshman year. Tonight I parked in the parking lot I wasn't allowed to have a car in back then and pictured the first time my parents came to Fredericksburg after dropping me off. I walked the brick sidewalk that I can remember walking the day they left me here when I thought for the very first time "this is it. Four years. In four years I'll be walking this same sidewalk." I remember feeling what I was up against and wondering how much work I really had ahead of me.

I guess anxious was the word. But mostly just uncertain then.

Today I was anxious. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work, I couldn't even eat. Feeling like I hadn't been doing my best and that there isn't enough time to get everything done. Feeling like I'm not going to do well this week. Worried about my grade. Feeling like I'd lost it.

Thinking what I had to do. How much time I had to do it in. How badly I physically felt. How empty I spiritually felt. Exhausted but not able to rest.

I'm better now. But still struggling. I know God's got the big picture. But right now I feel like there is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders to do well. Or at least do my best. I have not lost my ability to do that.

And God? He hasn't lost it. Ever. So that's good.