La Fin

... the end! Barring any outrageous malfunction of the printer circa 8 a.m. tomorrow morning, I am officially finished with sophomore year!

I have to say, I was not sure this day would come. Or was I?

Thing is, this time last year I made May 1st out to be the promised land. Like if I could just get finished with school my life would be fabulous again. And it was good. I went to see Made of Honor with Emily and stayed up all night watching Grey's Anatomy with Katie until it was time to take Luke and Steph to the airport at some ungodly hour and got some rest. Plus, Luke proposed and Emily graduated. There were all sorts of happy things going on this time last year in the Smith family.

Still, May 2008 failed to live up to the high spiritual expectations I set. Everything didn't just feel "right" when the craziness of school ended. Because all the time there is something that is going to become a distraction. Some distractions are more fun than others, but busy is busy. And if last Summer was anything, it was busy.

I wanted to overflow with joy, but my heart just felt dry. I was spent. The energy I put into telling myself that all would be well come May was well wasted as I struggled to find a way to be meaningful that summer.

This year I've tried to take my expectations for the end of school down a notch. Life isn't about to get better because I don't have a bio test or a literature paper to write. If I'm being honest my life here recently has not been lacking the good. It was good yesterday, it'll be good tomorrow. Am I THRILLED that the finals are over? Absolutely. But my joy has not ever been in the presence or absence of school work. Why?

Because He was good yesterday, He'll be good tomorrow.

Tonight marks the end of a chapter in my life. There is some bitter in that, there is a lot of sweet. Mostly there is so much comfort in the assurance that He knows the next page. Can I stick with the lame book analogy for a minute? Last year when I finished up the chapter that was Freshman year, I tossed the book aside. I was ready to check out for a little while.

Tonight, I eagerly turn the page and I cannot wait for what is next. Oh yes, I knew this day would come. But I am not done. Because May 1 is not the end all. And I am once again out on a quest to make this summer meaningful.

"If I Stand" has been the unofficial anthem of finals week for me this year. Check it out.

There's a loyalty that's deeper than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs that I can sing
Stuff of Earth competes for the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you
So if I sing let me sing for the joy that has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for his home

I would expound on that but a.) it's pretty much all there and b.) it's 1:30 a.m. on the last night of finals week and I'm pretty sure none of my words are currently making sense