The Heart of Life is Good

I just need a moment. A quiet one. A solitary one. One when everything I don't know about the subjects my papers are on isn't spinning in my head. A moment to take a breath. A moment to realize that this work isn't everything, but it is important.

And I do have to put forth my best effort. I can't not. Because it has been killing me to realize that I should have been much more diligent much earlier. That realization hit me like a brick wall and literally knocked the wind out of me. Going to bed last night I had a moment of utter self-loathing for how hard it has been to work myself up to these papers and major doubt that I can even get them done well now. I hate thinking that because to me if it isn't going to be done well, there is little incentive to do it at all.

There is time to do it well, though. And I'm taking up some of it by being here, but I'm telling you, I just need a moment. A moment to gather myself. Or really to be gathered.

I can't even take the time to tell you about my day yesterday. It wasn't bad. I don't know that I'd want to do it over again any time soon, but it wasn't horrible. Just, apparently, I had some things to learn about patience and trust. I was fine in my own strength pretty much all day. But lying in the bed last night, the frustration and the doubt rushed over me. My heart was racing and I was scared. Nothing was wrong around me, but for a moment it felt like everything was wrong. I was terrified. I sat there and felt my pulse quicken. Over nothing. Over everything.

All of the sudden the patience I kept up all day by myself vanished. And I was angry. Just mad. And terrified. Because I felt like I'm not doing well. That I'm not doing my best. I'm afraid of disappointing people and I felt like I had disappointed myself. But mainly I was disappointed in the day and disappointed that I had no control over it. I was so anxious about the fact that the only thing I could do was go to bed that I couldn't go to sleep. And I tried to cry but I couldn't do that. I just broke down.

I couldn't handle the silence, so I turned on my iPod and fell asleep to Selah's "His Eye is On the Sparrow."

Now I'm here, needing a moment. A moment to figure out what I'm doing here and now. A moment to summon the courage to do my best from here out. It's not about what I have or have not done up to this point. It's not about broken down cars or missed baseball games. It's not about previous anxiety attacks or bad attitudes. Being worried about those things only serves to discourage. It's about an attitude adjustment. An attitude that isn't worried about people or situations or ineptitude. An attitude that acknowledges shortcomings but asks for help and knows that Help is near. I'm adjusting myself here, or at least I'm praying to be adjusted, to be glad about the help and not so paralyzed by the shortcomings. Or entangled by the sin.

"Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work-- this is a gift of God. He (that's me) seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart."

I'm not terrified anymore (for now). I'm not angry about wasted time or impossible circumstances. I just want to be happy in my work and occupied by gladness. Glad because I'm not working for professors or for my parents. Or even for me.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

-Colossians 3:23

The work isn't trivial. It's hard, but it is not without purpose. Sometimes it feels stupid to get so focused on work that friends and other things fall by the wayside. And if I were working for men, for a fleeting grade, it would be stupid. But the focus, the attention that I put into assignments, it's not about people pleasing. It's about glorifying God. And it's about being glad all the while. It's not running out the door stressed and complaining about the library. It's politely excusing myself because I've got some glory to go be giving up.

Yesterday as we drove home I turned on John Mayer's "Heart of Life." Mainly because I like the melody. At that point I was still smiling on my own accord. Because I was okay, I could do it, I could manage. I felt the breeze and I sung along and life was good. Then I had an anxiety attack.

Now I'm having my moment, post-realization that I'm not likely to just be okay throughout this week. I can't manage it on my own. It's why God gave me professors and friends and nature. Sometimes, though, in the business there really isn't time for those, blessings as they may be. And in those moments (surely to be many in this coming week) I have to be reminded that it's why God gave me Christ. First and foremost. He gave me Love.

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But i know the heart of life is good

Thank you, John Mayer. But really, thank you, God.