I'm Good

I don't know you. I don't know what you're into. But if you happen to be into Virginia Baptist Mission Board Baptist Collegiate Ministries Council Meetings, I know exactly where you should definitely shouldn't go.

And that is to Panera at 11 a.m. on January 16, 2010 in Charlottesville.

Luckily for you, the time has passed so you don't have to worry about it and I went there today at that time to make sure none of you would make that mistake. I'm nice stupid like that.

Turns out that if you're into the VBMB meeting thing, you should wait a week and then drive to Charlottesville. When there is a meeting. Definitely don't drive there today (by now a certainly impossible feat), it could be a waste of your time.

I, myself, am into the council thing and got a tad bit ahead of myself today, driving to Charlottesville for nothing. But in true turn-lemons-into-lemonade-and-crawl-under-Katie-Jones'-skin-fashion, it turned out that nothing was something, after all. Because a Bodo's BLT bagel, a beautiful park, and a whole lot of free time all work pretty nicely together. (you know, after a little shopping in Panera's shopping center).

After arriving to the meeting to find, well, no meeting, I couldn't very well just turn right back around and head home. So I spent some time just talking to God, instead. And what I got out of that was basically the same message-- Sadie, you can't very well just turn right back around and head home. Except for "home" in the latter is Little Rock home, where I often feel I do a whole lot less of saying the wrong thing and acting the wrong way and writing papers. At the very least that home has a mom whose arms I can lay in when I'm sick as opposed to the cold bathroom floor of a musty college building.

But I'm here now and God has made himself too abundantly clear that this is where I'm supposed to be for me to doubt it because I don't feel good or because some words rubbed me the wrong way or because I have 19 books to read.

I got a little dose of that today in my car, in a park, in the presence of a God whose character and grace I long to know and have some of.

And though we had a little heart to heart today at a time and place I truly felt God brought me to, I honestly feel a little out of sorts, still. Because this isn't home. But then, really, neither is home home. And there's this uneasiness in me, even a physical discomfort, that makes me desperate for something to cling to.

I praise God tonight because I know I have that something. It's always hard to realize all over again that it's not any one person or any one place that will not let you down. I am literally on my knees humbly bowed before God because while I know I have "that something," knowing him is something different entirely. I feel like I'm both at the point where I know God is my only hope for feeling secure and satisfied and patient but at the same time realizing that I don't know him like I know how to anticipate Katie throwing things at me or how to respond to Emily's lyrical text messages or how Dad will sneeze incessantly after any big meal or how Luke will greet me with an "ey, girl" or just how much sitting down at starbucks over a fresh cup of coffee means to Noelle or how Ashley will continue to bring me vegetable oil well beyond when she should've started getting sick and tired of it because she looks for ways to serve.

I just don't know God like that. I mean, on some level, I never will because he doesn't have food allergies or ingredients. But you know those things you get to know about a person when you spend an intimate amount of time with them? Getting to the point of realizing I don't have that time invested where it means the most is concerning.

And so, being brought here-- to this place both physically and spiritually--is enough confirmation to me that I can't very well turn right back around and go home. There is too much to learn here. Academically, spiritually, socially. You name it.

I'm good with that.

Because can you imagine getting good with merely God (ha! merely God. wow.)? Just think...

"Sadie, want to be in the comfort of your own bed?" No thanks, I'm good.

"Sadie, want to be rich and unconcerned with the bill at your favorite stores?" No thanks, I'm good.

"Sadie, want to get married and have kids?" I'm good.

"Sadie, want to be perfectly healthy?" I'm alright.

"Sadie, want to have your way with your life?" No thanks, I'll be alright.

What I believe now is that I will be alright, that God does have things taken care of. What I want is to still believe in the sufficiency of God in the absence of the things mentioned above (which would all be pretty nice). I want to know him like that. And that desire is what has me in tears when Selah's "I Surrender All" comes on in my car.

All to Jesus I surrender

All to him I freely give

I will ever love and trust him

In his presence daily live.

I surrender all

I surrender all

All to thee, my blessed savior

I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender

Humbly at His feet I bow.

Worldly pleasures all forsaken,

Take me Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all.

What would it cost to really believe these words? What scares me is that I want to know. What scares me more is to live my entire life and not know.